Guilt..(on my parents part)

hobbies? cutting i thought with a smile..
im supposed to be filling a boarding school application form and this is like idk..again the only reason my eyes are dry is because of the contacts
yesterday night was last straw, my parents took me out to KFC it was my idea really but something really pissed me off on the way and i dont know i wasnt in the best of moods at the place :/
My parents were like already like really really angry with me all the torture around my birthday and all that shit...so i was like really weirded out that they would even care to have a nice dinner out at a fast food place
So when we reached and were getting our food i was all like i cant eat and in general being this absolute bitch and my parents...welll they tried soo hard!
My Dad even ask me if we shld go smplace else like a proper sit down restaurant nd this is MY dad we're talking abt he hates my like shit!
They were trying so hard to like cheer me up and all of that I
 really started to wonder y i get really pissed wenever i go out with my parents..y isnt this working?  we have a perfect relationship..i mean i practically talk to them everyday!(okay maybe nt EVERYDAY bt like really often)y isnt it working?is it because i spent TOO much time with my parents?i really dont kno..\
   i mean the thing about teenager is that they hang with their frends more than their parents rite?But i dont know why but ever since i dont know wen ive jst been sticking with my parents though its nt becos im lonely it more like i didnt want to gt hurt..
i left all my friends for a "good christian" life for my parents but it  didnt make me feel any better and now ive got nothing and my parents think they cant take me now.... i mean i am like this (creep depressed freak etc.etc.)only because THEY made me like this anyway and now they dont wat me? what am i supposed to do?
I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS AM I?

it my right isnt it?

okay i wanna talk about rights..our constitution gives us the right to personal liberty right?(yes it does) so now that i dont have a  lock on my bedroom door i think ive been deprived of my right to personal liberty(yes i looked those terms up in my history book) so i was just voicing this opinion when my dad got all angry and stared yelling at me.
    He told me that ive got o respect my parents no matter what nd thats wen i asked him y i didnt get a bday present he was all like i dont have to, its not my job nd shit like that! i told him that i wanted my room lock back he said i dont get it back bcos i dont respect him enough!! He said that i never ever listen to him so he isnt going to listen to me? but hey! i dont care about the birthday present i just care about the fact that most people are happy after their birthdays because people call and wish and remember them, but for me tings have just become worse :(
   I think theyre planning to take away my room next ill have to share with my brother. thing are just steadily becoming worse :( i mean i already do share my room with the rest of the family because becuse NOW they get to walk in nd out weneva they like :(
  my mom said I live a really luxurious life but now i feel like im living in poverty i mean we hav 2 GUEST bedrooms in our house  i have to share a room!!!!!!!
 WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ALONE WHEN WE WANT TO, DONT WE?(that wat i told him, ok yelled at, him yesterday night)

Im not a victim,Im a survivor

Thats what ive been telling myself all day...I kno i kno it sound lke im a child abuse victim. But what im going throug is almost as bad.Today is my birthday and all the worst things have been happening to me.
   My parents have done the ultimate THEYVE REMOVED THE LOCK ON MY ROOM AND BATHROOM DOOR!!!!! ok they havent removed the bathroom lock but theyve sill removed my rooms lock and now i have 0 privacy... all this on my birthday with no birthday present :(
    I mean who lives a life where heyre birthday is the same as every other day huh?
I was just remembering last year in my old life before evertything wierd hapopened back when i had friends, back when i had a boyfriend, back when my birthday meant everything. Last year i woke up to the best day of my life, my BFFs (who moved away to the evil USA last summer) were there we weree yelling and walking all over my bed and the first song i heard on that day was 1D and it was from my bf. It was amazing i got to skive off from scool that day and we did a bunch of emorable stuff and pulling off some amazing escapes from our parents (: it makes me smile just 2 think about it :)
    But things have changed so much in the matter of one year. Ok theres nothing i can do by just whining and pining over last year because thats over but it looks like that part of my life is over
it really feels like im gonna lead the life of a prisoner now....
 damn high school sucks when you dont have your best friends with you 

To Mother,

i found another use for contacts today....they help keep your eyes dry in best of times. So im sitting here with almost no emotions whatsoever just because i cant cry when ive got my contacts on,if i take them off the first thing id do is take the phone and cry all over my best friends.
   But im doing the sensible thing.....im writing it all down so that one day when im rich and famous and standing in the hall of fame i can look back at it all and smile (sorry im crying with my words cos i cant with my eyes)
    Okay so when you get into an argument with your parents what do you do exactly? you yell at each other and then thinks are chilly for atleast a week, but you STILL dont win unless some miracle happened and your parents arent as blind as a my granny in the dark(she couldnt find the light switch to the bathroom so she had to have a remote control installed *talk about lazy! she didnt have to move from her couch all day)
   Parents thin they understand and they think that you can talk to them..thats one type of parents
What about my parents they dont have a type theyre just abnormal and crazy and going to make me psycho
im allowed in theyre house only because , according to them, of THEYRE bad luck
tommorows my birthday and i havent even gotten a birthday present because my "grades are too low" and "ooh baby...when was your birthday again?" and "we dont have to get you a present for your birthday, if we think you are worth it then we'll buy you a little something"
                 all im saying is that some of us have relly terrible parents..ones that wont even ge us presents for our birthdays so all other people out there have just got to know that tey are lucky :p

Im not a pessimist I just dont look at the bright side

you kno when when you watch a depressing movie you kinda get sucked into it and youre depressed for the entire day after THAT.
   well thats the story of my life,  im always end up making someone see the dark side of things, im not a real pessimist but i think im always bracing for a fall that may never come
   and if i dont DO it myself i meet someone really pessimistic like early in  the morning or i listen to a sad song in the car or i end up watching some junky movie about cyberbullying and suicides and other depressing things.
    What is it with pessimists anyway? do they HAVE to bring down any high spirits on my part (and my high spirits would normally be as high as my shoelaces).But thats not as bad as those errible movies where a small vulnerable little girls goes on the internet..and BAM! she suicides and thats just too depressing for me.
  I normally just prefer movies which have perfect happy endings---"chick flicks" theyre all so perfect,they end the way you want it to.
 I mean if real life isnt perfect hen we can make up to it by watching perfect life on screen cant we?
 Okay as far as i see it movies are classified something like this----->
A.chick flicks (theyre my favs i 'av no problem :)
B.thereallyrealbutnotrealandborring typ ( you might cll it sci fi)
C.scarymoviestocontrolkidss( cyberbully ,the boy she met online..the likes)

OK that list could go on and on.... the point is that everyone should stop making suicide movies and i shouldnt be stared at if i stand on a lunch table and say so(okay maybe ill be stared at if i say anything from up on a lunch table but im aiming at people not acting goth and pretending to enjoy wierd sadness... high school is so emo ):