How do I get rid of Writer's Block?

           I stare at nothing while my laptop burns my thigh and the TV babbles in the background. I could have been sitting there for hours, or even days - I just can't tell the difference between Monday and Thursday anymore. It's all the same to me: a nice and blank Word document on my laptop screen, and my eyes focused on something fascinating...and invisible.
           This has been my worst case of writer's block yet, and I'm not even a proper writer! It's just typical that my inner writer (or whoever so kindly arranges my thoughts into coherence for me whenever I put my fingers on my keyboard) would let me down when I most need her.
            I always thought college application essays would be a piece of cake, but turns out I'm absolutely incapable of writing about myself. After the struggle of thinking of things to say, for some reason my ability to string words together fails me. I write one mundane, choppy sentence after another until I have an entire page...then I delete everything in one quick movement. Oh the agony!

From: iwanita.tumblr.com

So far my Writer's Block Remedies have been of no help.

• Free random writing left me with a few scribbled words on paper, and one lousy poem-ish thing. If anyone found that piece of paper, they'd think I was possessed (that's a lot of S's). 
• Taking Walks, and focusing on other things, has only worsened things. The more I walked, and the more I tried to do other things, the more guilty I became. I'm so aware of the emptiness in my head that every time the wind blows, I imagine it whistling through the hollows of my skull too.
• Giving myself permission to write badly is a step I've been repeating for a while now.
  Needless to say, it hasn't worked.

What do you do when you're creatively blocked?