If wishes were atoms i would be made of them

A little shiver runs down my spine as i walk bare foot on the dewy grass, its 3:09 am (i checked my phone...i wasnt being all natural) and im on a mission....
             Early sunlight in my eyes, wind in my hair....ahhh, (in case you're wondering where i am, i am not in this perfectly amazing orchard place with trees but on the tiny patch of grass next to the road on main street)
             The sun is only jus rising, so part of the sky is still pretty dark. In fact, if i look up, the sky is cu about half way, one part day, the other night..(i would have taken a picture but i really didnt want to break the spell)

pls dont imagine half-day-half-night this way

Anyway, im supposed to be talking about the mission....
I was going to make as many wishes as possible today,
first i started with a dandelion.
It was the most beautiful thing ever, "i wish things would change for the better", i whispered to my lucky (poor?) dandelion head and blew hard at it (nd then i wished i had wished more like an actress, my blow was like an ogres)

Second was the classic "wish upon a star"....i stared up at the sky with its fading stars and tried to pick one. I think i stood there for a while, just looking up at the universe. Some people say that looking at the stars makes them feel small, but right at that moment, i didnt feel small, i felt very big actually, i felt like i was in control of my life and that i was doing everything righ (i think that was just me speaking not my conscience, but a feeling like that is rare and cherish-able..i think im reading too much Paolo Coelo). I finally spot my star, a big twinkly one which doesnt seem to want to fade away, "i wish things would change for the better", i say softly. I gives me a  knowing wink..i trust this one

Next was the four leaf clover, that is a hard one...but i know exactly where to go. The cutest little patch of clovers grows on my neighbors grass. So i crouch down next to it, and pull out my trust magnifying glass..(im armed with all my wishing tools: binoculars to find shooting stars, a penny in case i walk past a wishing well and hand sanitizer in case i have to touch a ladybug for a wish)i look for atleast 10 minutes before i give up, so i didnt find a four leaf clover, atleast i got to wish on a dandelion and a star..

I look up at the sun which is now rising and wish on that too but this time i wish that all my wishes would come true...

FML

i fucking hate my parents

God my laptops broken and they wont get me a new one nd i have like 3 bs nd i cant do anything

i cannot tolerate bs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want like straight as
how am i going to get that without my laptops (im using my DADs laptop now!)

i mean like wat the fuck is their problem? how can i surviv without a COMPUTER?

this fucking sucks!

im just angry all day long, i have to go to the library or school to like acess the internet!

this is unfuckingbelievable

and i jst read wat i just wrote...omg i swear a lot

but srsly my life sucks.,.....i miss my laptop!!!!

That was an email i sent my friend last week, and i thought i dont know how to be angry
but sometimes parents make me super angry
maybe thats why i didnt get my mom anything for mothers day this year -_-

Me/her/my-other-dimension-self? Anya 2.0

 Philosophical me says:
Have you ever wanted to be that girl?  You know..the one who is perfect and everything you aren't?
(im sorry if you are a guy, i don't know....do guys feel that way?...i think thats blogger suicide to say that, because nowadays it sounds like you have to be a guru in your own subject to blog about it..but i admit, i have no idea about howanyone else feels about what im talking about, i just wanted to know f anyone could relate....im going off topic again so)
That (again) girl for me is confident and fun and she laughs all the time + when she smiles, the whole world stops and stares for a while(okay i think thats the girl Bruno Mars sings about, not me/her/my-other-dimension-self)i dont know how long I have wanted to be her, but she is the best me i can imagine myself to be.

I dont know whether anyone else actually feels that way but im gonna make her-the other me, that alternate universe me, im gonna make her real. But i dont know whether im gonna be faking it or actually ive been faking it all this time and im actually gonna become the real me(okay hat doesnt make any sense) All i want to know is whether the perfect me (lets call her Anya 2.0) is the me im supposed to be, can i be that funny and confident girl who can talk to anybody whenever she wants
or am i destined to be that quiet girl who has a lot to say but cant really work up the courage to say it to anyone? Is Anya 2.0 hiding behind that mask or is it just my imagination?

to be or not to be

I dont know why im feeling the loss of all this confidence, i feel like a smaller me right now and im ready for Anya 2.0 to come and take the stage and blow them all away.. Not even a feel-good chick flick could save me, someone has to come and take me away..today :/

Am I gonna be that girl behind a mask all my life or am i ready for a transformation?

Teenage me says:
I feel cheesy and weird... is this a mood or is this a wacko brain thing that happens when you hit your head? i dont know...but even if it doesnt pass im gonna have to deal with it.
i sound like my old drama teacher lol

Pool people

So i was at the pool today (no it isnt a community pool but i live in an apartment so i tend to have to share it with other people) and i managed to get a lot of my "people-observing" done...some people may call it stalking but i am NOT doing any harm just looking...ok i admit it might be on the verge of staring but im only doing it because i find it all too interesting.

My cover: i was "tanning" and doing some "sketching" (hence the ugly rose which is in fact a    scanned version of my drawing...whenever someone gave me an extra careful look i ducked down immediately, pretending to have gotten a sudden inspiration)

I dont think what i was doing was wrong in any way but i figured people might find it weird of they caught a swimsuit clad girl with a clipboard and lopsided(though i didnt know they were lopsided until i got back home) sunglasses looking at them with interest (NOT staring).

I was there for the whole day (ive got white rings around my eyes where my sunglasses used to be) so i got to see a large number of different types of people:

• The Groups: Spring break is here and it looks like there a lot of people visiting...These people were the least suspicious, I could have taken off my shades and stared right at them and they wouldn't have minded. The group I saw today consisted of two busty (and when i say busty, I mean nobody-would-notice-their-face busty)girls and a two super cocky and super hot guys all under the supervision of their mama who was totally strutting her stuff in that barely fitting swimsuit(im sry about that, i just gotta vent on them in some way...those boys kept checking me out and those girls were such bitches!!)

• The Tanners: They look like they already have a perfect year-round tan going on there but hey! everyone wants more :) Equipped with skimpy swimming costumes, large dinky jewellery, chunky sunglasses, jimmy choos (i know...the poor things)and the all-important smartphone, all they do is look bored and text, i worry that theyre wasting a lot of time because i dont think the sun cn get through all that primer and foundation to tan their skins.

• The Surfers: I know what your thinking...surfers at the pool? But theres no other way to describe em, complete with their perfect bodies, bathing trunks, unnecessarily Australian accents ("dude its awesome in here blah..blah..dude! duuuuuuuuuude...") and AMAZING swimming skills...(btw they were the only ones who actually managed to SWIM in the pool today) These dudes even managed to get the otherwise uninterested tanners to look up from US! Weekly and The Vogue or from their constant tweeting (#BoredAndAtThePool or #tanning)

Thats all i managed to get today (with a price of being checked out by people totally not my age and having to have been forced into an intense staring competition with some hot random guy with a face that only said one thing- "Im here for everyone to see my abs and see my abs they will do"(it secretly also seemed to be saying "or else..." that was scary)

But i would really have to take this opportunity to thank my sunglasses i think i wore them out today, but they are the ultimate weapon when u want to look at someone and dont wanna be caught looking,
(might i point out that aviators, while they never go out of fashion are totally give you away in case u ever wanna do what i did today so thats why i think chunky girl shades are the best! go prada!!)

Lifes what you make it so lets make it rock! yes i did just quote hannah montana

i read that and went, "Omigod!!thats soo perfect!!!"...i admit that this isn't equal to an actual good old-fashioned-legs-on-the-wall-in-my-pjs loooong chat with my friend on the phone but then, I dont think i should be complaining should I?

So heres the story....for a while my inbox has been spammed by my friends who're feeling totally guilty about ignoring me because they have to study so much nowadays (yeah thts a weird word...isnt it?)


But everyone of these make you feel soo much better, like the best way outta what i call the "blues" (i cant believe they named a genre of music aftr my version of depression!)

Thats my bestfriend,
she even sent me a video of us singing hannah montana
(imagine 2 pre-pubic girls, in shimmery disco clothes which id stolen from my grand-dads closet...we arent very good singers either..i tried out for the school choir 3 years in a row nd apparently my singing voice didnt have enough melody..isnt that brutal?

That ones my ex hes just trying to make me feal like a dramatic movie star


sometimes this makes me feel really special :)

We all have those days..

The world feels like a big deep deep ocean to me today, i want to be able to belong here but thats not whats happening, im only becoming more and more distant everyday. I feel lost and crazy, today is my day for tears. I guess its just one of those days right? I keep telling myself that things will get better but will they? But there are tons of lonely people and they carry it off so elegantly, so beautifully...i give off this needy vibe, i know i do.

If i am going to be that lonely girl, then i want to be that one who sits at the coffe place, sipping here drink and staring out of her window with this movie-star look in her eyes...
I dont want to be that girl who is hiding in the library because she doesn't want to be seen by anyone

Will thing be okay for me? i really dont know..the worst thing s that i dont have anyone to comfort me, i dont have anyone who would tell me that i am not alone, with my best friends all slaving away, studying, i don't know what to do.

Sitting at home, reading inspirational quotes which my friends send me because they are far too busy studying to say to my face, it really puts the cherry on top of my very miserable day...
But hey, it happens to everyone right?

am i the new shy invisibly girl? ahh!

I think I've been milking the new kid excuse for wayyy to long, but im gonna use it till the end of the school year.
There are loads of different kinds of people, which is inherent in EVERY high school but because of the many different races here only make it more obvious..

Im trying to determine what sort of a person im going to be, the introvert who hides out in the library at lunch or the extrovert girl like all new girls in all the movies i once believed in like "Mean Girls" and "Mean Girls 2" and "Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen".
Because being me, is clearly not an option, "me" only exists when I've got friends.

But all I've managed to do is not make an impression on anybody at all, Im that invisible girl on the corridor who you bump into, wonder if you've ever seen her before and then walk away, forgetting her already.. I dont know why i turned into someone else all together when i got here but ebing invisible hs got its ups...

HA..."The Ups Of Being Invisible" sound familiar doesnt it? (The perks of being a wallflower)
I dont know what the ups are yet..but this is a place id like to live in for a few more months, thats it
Ill keep you posted