Life's an empty canvas...you've got the brush; so what're you waiting for? It's time to paint :)

I'm lying flat on my back, on a yoga mat. My mother snoozes next to me, her occasional, interrupted snoring blends in with the background. I'm staring at the ceiling, thinking "What if  I stop waiting for things to happen? What if I stop saying 'what if'?"

              I haven't been writing in a while, and I think I finally know why. I talked a lot about "finding"" myself, trying to find out what I'm supposed to do with my life. I really thought that I couldnt live until I had some sort of connection with myself. What I didnt realize was that I was-AM-me. I don't need a connection with myself,I'm already me! How could I have wanted to find myself when I was-am-here all along (writing about yourself in a past tense is not a good idea haha).

                            That bring me back to lying on a yoga mat and thinking -that's all I've been doing the past months, trying to do what every other great philosopher did (okay okay, what every great philosopher did), "figure out the meaning of life". Heres what I think :

Can you believe this quote!!!? Its just what I needed, its just what everyone needs! No, its not time to sit around and think about what life has in store for us. Its time to get out there and make a life for ourselves, its time to create! Life is totally like an empty canvas, its time to paint :)

                           So I don't say What If anymore, and I also don't lie on yoga mats anymore(that's only because my mother has finally stopped catching up on her sleep during her exercise time and has actually begun lifting her arms and stuff....this stuff is actually pretty hard). I'm not even going to stop and think about what color I'm going to paint...I'm going to just do it (I thought that the best way to end the post would be to use another overly used, trademarked phrase)

I'm looking for me

My poor little blog! Its exactly like one of those houses in the middle of nowhere, so empty, so abandoned.(well at least those houses are occasionally haunted with the most interesting ghosts)

I wish this would stop moving!!

                      My page view trend looks a lot like my grade trend now (in other words, up..up...up..down.....down...umm help?....okay stop....nonono.....STAHP!.....uh-oh rock bottom..."do these go in negative?") This also represents my zen level.

                                                 
                       They all go together, my blog, my grades and my zen, (is that even a thing?) that's what I noticed. I don't really think of myself as a real person anymore, I'm more like that poor waiter trying to balance 3 full plates of sushi and an umbrella while he's on roller-skates in the rain, in the middle of a crowded street AND he has to smile the whole time! 

                          I need to keep my zen levels up and I really don't know how.

Google is no use as usual....here are my search results :-

• Drink green tea (do they even know how horrible that tastes)
• Do yoga (that involves waking up early...not good for my stress levels)
• Smile (Really? i wouldn't have guessed)

Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure all these things work...in some cases; but that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for myself, I'm looking to get to know the inner me again because it feels like I've lost her in all the chaos of the outside world.

                       Essentially, I'm looking for the deep part of me (example here)- the part of me that actually thinks for myself, acts for herself and lives for herself. Because, really, I don't think that I-the glassy, person typing away right now-live for myself or think for myself. I live that cliche life, wanting things that everyone seems to want and doing things that everyone seems to be doing.

I want to think what I want to think, I want to know what I want to know, I want to feel what I want to feel.

           I want to be the me I want to me.

That is, in reality, the problem with school. There is such an overwhelmingly large number of people, such an overwhelmingly large number of views and opinions; I really can't hold my own, I can't be anything, I'm just weirdly misshaped mixture of everyone else. I'm a globby mess (thats the word! even if it isn't a real word. That's how I feel).
                             Unlike what I make it sound like, this happens pretty often, I get detached pretty often but I always had a little "me-day" planned out which helped me out

• Listen to Dig-a-Little deeper from The Princess and The Frog (don't you dare underestimate the feel-good power of a Disney song!)

• Watch a hopeful chick-flick like Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Karate Kid (the original).
• A good old fashioned make-over (sometimes it helps to be shallow when you're trying to be deep)
• An hour-and-a-half chat with my besties (well a phone call will have to do now)

 What's weird is that I did all of that today, its just that I didn't find anyone today. Am I lost forever?