Me vs.The Universe

“I don't want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.” 

― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

This is probably the most famous quote from the book but I just had to put it in. It's not even my favorite quote, but it was begging. 

                         Because nobody wants to stay in a bad place. But we all do. the world is a bad place: nobody really believes in silver linings, nobody really believes in love and no one, absolutely Nobody believes in a happy ending.

                            It's almost a joke: life isn't a movie they say(The mysterious "they" strike(s) again), nobody has a happy ending. Nothing ever goes the way it's supposed to go. Life isn't perfect, it's an accepted fact. 

             There are people who can get you down; and sometimes, things just happen. You never get what you want and when you do, it's all just an illusion because nothing is really an ending- every little ending is just a new beginning with it's cruel little plot twists. 

                                 Is the universe really designed to make people sad? 

Is it designed to stop happy endings? If it isn't, then why don't they exist, happy endings I mean. Why does no one have one. Why is no one really happy? 

                      I'm making a lot of assumptions right now but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Nobody is happy. Nobody has happy endings and It's a waste of time really, looking for a silver lining, because - in case it hasn't been noticed already- clouds don't have silver linings.  

                            Random optimism ("Every cloud has a silver lining!" or "When one door shuts close, another always opens up :)" etc.) is great, but to really really be happy, one has to numb out negativity. Just ignore it. Because life's going to get you down, but you've got to ignore it and keep working. Everyone's gonna try and stop you but you can't be stopped. 

      I think the universe is working against us. It's making us feel like there's no such thing as love or happy endings or silver linings. It's destroying them for us. We have to ignore it.

               It's just that person in the corner with a bad attitude who's in need of some coffee. So what if the universe is a bad place, so what if the world is a place with apparently no silver linings and no love? 

            Even if the universe is working against us, it can never destroy us. It can give us a pretty rough time, it can take away our happy endings but in the end, it can't ruin us completely.

             Maybe we can't control the world around us but there's we can control ourselves. So it's our job to twist and dodge every shot the (evil) universe throws at us, sometimes it may give us a curveball, and we may feel hopeless. (It does seem hopeless doesn't it? when you've got the great big cosmos against you?) 

          But we have to get back up, We have to fight for our happy endings, fight to get them back. It may seem like no one's happy but after this war, we're all going to get them back, every last fair-tale. Because we're not going to lose to the universe which seems to be constantly working to bring us down.

                             It seems like a mess. But I'm waging a war with the cosmos.

                   

I'm looking for me

My poor little blog! Its exactly like one of those houses in the middle of nowhere, so empty, so abandoned.(well at least those houses are occasionally haunted with the most interesting ghosts)

I wish this would stop moving!!

                      My page view trend looks a lot like my grade trend now (in other words, up..up...up..down.....down...umm help?....okay stop....nonono.....STAHP!.....uh-oh rock bottom..."do these go in negative?") This also represents my zen level.

                                                 
                       They all go together, my blog, my grades and my zen, (is that even a thing?) that's what I noticed. I don't really think of myself as a real person anymore, I'm more like that poor waiter trying to balance 3 full plates of sushi and an umbrella while he's on roller-skates in the rain, in the middle of a crowded street AND he has to smile the whole time! 

                          I need to keep my zen levels up and I really don't know how.

Google is no use as usual....here are my search results :-

• Drink green tea (do they even know how horrible that tastes)
• Do yoga (that involves waking up early...not good for my stress levels)
• Smile (Really? i wouldn't have guessed)

Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure all these things work...in some cases; but that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for myself, I'm looking to get to know the inner me again because it feels like I've lost her in all the chaos of the outside world.

                       Essentially, I'm looking for the deep part of me (example here)- the part of me that actually thinks for myself, acts for herself and lives for herself. Because, really, I don't think that I-the glassy, person typing away right now-live for myself or think for myself. I live that cliche life, wanting things that everyone seems to want and doing things that everyone seems to be doing.

I want to think what I want to think, I want to know what I want to know, I want to feel what I want to feel.

           I want to be the me I want to me.

That is, in reality, the problem with school. There is such an overwhelmingly large number of people, such an overwhelmingly large number of views and opinions; I really can't hold my own, I can't be anything, I'm just weirdly misshaped mixture of everyone else. I'm a globby mess (thats the word! even if it isn't a real word. That's how I feel).
                             Unlike what I make it sound like, this happens pretty often, I get detached pretty often but I always had a little "me-day" planned out which helped me out

• Listen to Dig-a-Little deeper from The Princess and The Frog (don't you dare underestimate the feel-good power of a Disney song!)

• Watch a hopeful chick-flick like Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Karate Kid (the original).
• A good old fashioned make-over (sometimes it helps to be shallow when you're trying to be deep)
• An hour-and-a-half chat with my besties (well a phone call will have to do now)

 What's weird is that I did all of that today, its just that I didn't find anyone today. Am I lost forever?

Act your age!

The Oxford Dictionary defines Coming of Age as-
                                        A young persons transition from childhood to adulthood.

That is pretty simple, but I'd like to elaborate, I think that this"transition" from childhood to adulthood occurs through a number of stereotyped problems...or rites of passage. The problems which everyone of us teenagers go through...    
                     To experience these rites of passage are a part of growing up, these experiences are what make our life, are they not? So I watched a movie today- Girl In Progress, well when I saw the poster, I expected to be a chick-flick (or a rom-com) just my kinda movie...but turns out it was one of those movies which made me think..

       
                 The movie introduced me to "Coming of Age" literature and made me recognize it as a separate genre. To make its very long and extremely complicated story short..See the little girl in the picture? She decided that shes gonna speed up growing up and made a list of all the rites of passage for growing up [which she got from movies like Mean Girls, Uptown Girls, Nanny Diaries etc. etc. (or as my brother calls them "girl movies"- for being dreamy and beautiful but also fake)]

Her list went something like this--

1.  Steal money for makeover
2. Be a bitch and impress popular girls
3. Have a teacher as a mentor, making sure that she notices my untapped talents
4. Hang with popular girls and let down mentor so that she calls my mom
5. Let down mom by playing "loud music"
6. Get invited to coolest party and loose virginity to the stupidest, most insensitive douchebag in the school.
7. Move to New York and start a new life

I know I make it sound really bad, I know I make it sound crazy...but I still think shes got the right idea, I mean no one CAN grow up without actually going through the rites of passage...
I've thought about them, and here they are-

• Want independence... that's why there are so many tantrums, parents don't want to let go and kids feel trapped.
• Rebellion...i think this is aftermath of the sudden feeling of being caged at home..We're just bursting out of those houses. (Hence the punk clothes and the douchey attitude)
• Losing Control...I may sound like an adult when I say this and I do feel like a bit of traitor when I type this out but, after some time, teenagers loose sight of the end goal, the whle idea of annoying the parents and going with the flow blinds everything out. The stage of never being sober is here!
• Realizing your mistakes and cleaning up....just in time for graduation :)

I know that sounded like I was criticizing the teenage ways or whatever, but what I actually was doing was appreciating them, you learn valuable lessons from all of this!
                 When parents don't let us out of the house we jump the fence!...There's that feeling of invincibility, the ceiling cant hold us can it? How are we going to ever learn if we don't make those mistakes? Going through those rites of passage are super important...maybe our parents think they can "protect" us from them, the parties, the drugs and the alcohol but we all know that the overprotective parents produce the sneakiest kids..

I know its cliche for me to now say that its all parents fault, but it isn't. They just gotta know when to let go and when to be there for us, which can be tough considering how moody I am most of the time.(So Im automatically going to assume that most people having swinging moods too :)
                  What I think is, you have to be a teenager, make those mistakes without completely letting go of that safety bar. On the other hand you can't just hold onto that bar and think about your future..that's not living.
                        I don't want to live the teenage life my parents want me to live, but hey! its my life I'll live it just the way I want to..
                     But remember we're all going to learn a lesson, because we are all going to make mistakes...That's what being a teenager is all about, its about making mistakes but learning from them.
                    So that's what it is...your gonna learn something, but right now lets have some fun!

Im just me....what about you?

I suddenly realize I'm running...as fast as I can (secretly cursing myself for not running this fast during my PE final) and I don't know where or for what, I'm just running..

              When I finally do stop, I realize what I had been doing, I wasn't running TO anything, I was running away...away from society and away from none other than my conscience.. let me explain....before you conclude that I'm crazy.

Philosophical Me says:

                     I don't know whether anyone else has felt that way before, but suddenly I really don't care..(its quite a different matter to say that you dont care than to actually not care) but I feel like EVERYTHING, literally everything i do or say or wear or judge or feel ashamed of is dictated by my society...

Every word I say is judged by my own conscience which beats me up when I think that I have hurt someone.

Everything I do is judged by me, my family or everyone else....I don't get to tell complainers to just shut up, I dont get to say that some people have it much harder than them.

Everything I wear is (has to be) picture perfect (supposedly)...I dont get to shop at the boys department or at Walmart because Im going to be judged and ostracized by the "in" group

You can ask whos stopping me from doing all those things (shutting people up, shopping at the department store etc. etc.) and the answer is ME! Im the one whos stopping myself from doing all those things, Im the one who hurts myself when I tell someone that I dont care about their life...its all me!

Thats what makes it all the worse, I want to be free of society and free of me. I want to stop picturing this ideal me and pressurizing myself to be that "ideal me"...In my previous posts I refered to her as Anya 2.0 (in case ur interested click here if u want to know abt Anya 2.0 :) Thats just the point....Anya 2.0 isn't what the real me wants, its what the society-minded me wants...

Anya 2.0 would be the girl perfect for the world around me, she is that social butterfly, that popular girl. But is Anya 2.0 really me? No...not really. Anya 2.0 is what everyone else would like me to be, shes what I have be unconsciously trying to be... the question is whether I really want to be her

So this is what I screamed out to the busy freeway from my building top yesterday.. "Who am I??"  The wind answered for the freeway---"You're you"

My view + my hideous feet :)

So thats it, thats exactly what it is, Im me and Im going to be exactly that, Im not going to let society dictate what I think about me or about others...Its going to be hard, but Im going to trust my OWN instincts..

Teenage me says:

no comment on this one, Im pretty sure Im right :)

Im Cleaning Up (Finally!)

Okay I think the title was a bit too dramatic, or maybe its because too many people use these simple words in a very dramatic way...

If you know what I'm talking about, I am not sobering down after a brief stint of alchoholicism (is that even a a word?) and i am NOT realizing my mistakes of skankiness or drug abuse (i was gonna say stoner-ism but that would be too many made up words in one sentence :p) because I have never actually been that drunken/stoned/slutty bitch. (I have been JUST that bitch, which is fine)

For those of you who dont know what I'm talking about, never mind (or would you like me to explain it? its not that long.... *watches petrified readers run away* okay, it wasn't that important anyway)

By Cleaning Up, I mean that I am removing all the nasty ads and shit that have been plaguing (is THAT a word? well it doesn't have a red line under it... #SeemsLegit) my blog lately.

I think the reason I have all these advertisements and pop-ups on my blog is that after a while (a really short while actually) of legitimate blogging, which actually meant something and which people did read, i got obsessed with like my pageviews, I was really disappointed with the number of views I was getting so I decided to do the ultimate....my secret weapon for supposed "success"--

I Googled "How to get more pageviews on my blog?" I don't know if I am crazy or whether every other blogger in the world does that too (I'm guessing they don't...but whatever, I am the person who freaked out at puberty because i thought I was turning into an alien freak)

What came up was this whole bunch of sites that promise to give you a booming traffic if I simply added some sort of widget from their site onto my blog.....That made me go "Dang! That sounds easy!!" I was all for it, I registered on ALL of those sites...(yeah, it was one looong afternoon of repeatedly putting in my name and DOB and other shit..)

I must admit that these sites did give me a "booming" traffic, I did get a lot more pageviews and yes, I WAS happier...... for a time (does this sound like a story, because it feels like I'm telling a story WITH  a moral)

But all these sites give you are a number of people who click on some random add by mistake and get redirected to my blog when they dont want to visit, so i guess they just go back to what they were doing before.

I don't think that they are "traffic" exactly.....after a while even I didnt want to visit my site because everytime i clicked on the link i kept getting redirected to some sort of porn website... (the day-yesterday- i decided enough is enough was the day i saw a women close to my mothers age in Victoria's secret winking at me from a screen that was supposed to be displaying my blog!)

Okay to make a long story short I deleted all the ads and put a poll in the empty space instead (though that was a bit of a....ok not a bit,, it was an epic failure, actually it IS an epic failure because i dont think its done yet)

Well since I think i have been rambling on and on, I should cut the crap and get to the moral which is: "Write for yourself, to make YOU feel better not for praise or attention from others because that (the second type) is not real writing"
It may not have been the best moral but hey! I don't want it to be too cheesy.