I suddenly realize I'm running...as fast as I can (secretly cursing myself for not running this fast during my PE final) and I don't know where or for what, I'm just running..
When I finally do stop, I realize what I had been doing, I wasn't running TO anything, I was running away...away from society and away from none other than my conscience.. let me explain....before you conclude that I'm crazy.
Philosophical Me says:
I don't know whether anyone else has felt that way before, but suddenly I really don't care..(its quite a different matter to say that you dont care than to actually not care) but I feel like EVERYTHING, literally everything i do or say or wear or judge or feel ashamed of is dictated by my society...
Every word I say is judged by my own conscience which beats me up when I think that I have hurt someone.
Everything I do is judged by me, my family or everyone else....I don't get to tell complainers to just shut up, I dont get to say that some people have it much harder than them.
Everything I wear is (has to be) picture perfect (supposedly)...I dont get to shop at the boys department or at Walmart because Im going to be judged and ostracized by the "in" group
You can ask whos stopping me from doing all those things (shutting people up, shopping at the department store etc. etc.) and the answer is ME! Im the one whos stopping myself from doing all those things, Im the one who hurts myself when I tell someone that I dont care about their life...its all me!
Thats what makes it all the worse, I want to be free of society and free of me. I want to stop picturing this ideal me and pressurizing myself to be that "ideal me"...In my previous posts I refered to her as Anya 2.0 (in case ur interested click here if u want to know abt Anya 2.0 :) Thats just the point....Anya 2.0 isn't what the real me wants, its what the society-minded me wants...
Anya 2.0 would be the girl perfect for the world around me, she is that social butterfly, that popular girl. But is Anya 2.0 really me? No...not really. Anya 2.0 is what everyone else would like me to be, shes what I have be unconsciously trying to be... the question is whether I really want to be her
So this is what I screamed out to the busy freeway from my building top yesterday.. "Who am I??" The wind answered for the freeway---"You're you"
|My view + my hideous feet :)|
So thats it, thats exactly what it is, Im me and Im going to be exactly that, Im not going to let society dictate what I think about me or about others...Its going to be hard, but Im going to trust my OWN instincts..
Teenage me says:
no comment on this one, Im pretty sure Im right :)