Sunday, February 8, 2015

Testing Fate

             "You can't have everything"
It's a fact of life, and a piece of advice that is repeated over and over again to people who have lost things - loved ones, prized possessions, and competitions.

       It's also a piece of advice that I've never heard. No, I'm not bragging here, because the fact truly scares me. I've been told repeatedly that I could have the world if I only just tried; I've been told that all I had to do is ask, and the entire universe would conspire in my favor.
      (You're probably wondering if the people in my life are self-help book writers, and, believe me, I've wondered that so many times myself).

    But even if an opposing fact has been drilled into me, it is the idea that one can't have everything that I believe in. I know that somebody's gotta lose, and I know that, eventually, that somebody is going to be me.

            And that is a scary thing to know. It's like walking through a creepy forest at night with full knowledge of your impending misfortunes, knowing that there are things out there that might hurt you, but not knowing what, or when, or how.
This gif is so on par haha
A long long time ago, I wrote a blog post about choices, and someone in the comments asked me to share with him (and everyone else who might read my blog) a heart break of mine - a time when I have really suffered. It's been 11 months now, and I have not gotten back to him.
       It's not that I don't want to post something so detail-oriented about my life (though that would be a major issue), it's that I've had no heart break. Not really.

I'm only just 17, and the most horrible things I've seen and heard are from the news, or the internet, or people around me. My heart has never been broken - maybe cracked once or twice from a past relationship, or lost friends, or lonliness, but never broken.

Isn't that luck? That I have a whole heart?
I don't feel luck. I've been scared of catastrophe for weeks now - a belief that my world is going to crumble.

I hope this is just a big bad premonition, because I do not want to live my life afraid of an inevitable catastrophe down the road; that way of life might just be the catastrophe.