Monday, October 14, 2013

I'm looking for me

My poor little blog! Its exactly like one of those houses in the middle of nowhere, so empty, so abandoned.(well at least those houses are occasionally haunted with the most interesting ghosts)
I wish this would stop moving!!
                      My page view trend looks a lot like my grade trend now (in other words, up..up...up..down.....down...umm help?....okay stop....nonono.....STAHP!.....uh-oh rock bottom..."do these go in negative?") This also represents my zen level.
                                                 
                       They all go together, my blog, my grades and my zen, (is that even a thing?) that's what I noticed. I don't really think of myself as a real person anymore, I'm more like that poor waiter trying to balance 3 full plates of sushi and an umbrella while he's on roller-skates in the rain, in the middle of a crowded street AND he has to smile the whole time! 
                          I need to keep my zen levels up and I really don't know how.
Google is no use as usual....here are my search results :-
  • Drink green tea (do they even know how horrible that tastes)
  • Do yoga (that involves waking up early...not good for my stress levels)
  • Smile (Really? i wouldn't have guessed)
Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure all these things work...in some cases; but that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for myself, I'm looking to get to know the inner me again because it feels like I've lost her in all the chaos of the outside world.

                       Essentially, I'm looking for the deep part of me (example here)- the part of me that actually thinks for myself, acts for herself and lives for herself. Because, really, I don't think that I-the glassy, person typing away right now-live for myself or think for myself. I live that cliche life, wanting things that everyone seems to want and doing things that everyone seems to be doing.

I want to think what I want to think, I want to know what I want to know, I want to feel what I want to feel.
           I want to be the me I want to me.
That is, in reality, the problem with school. There is such an overwhelmingly large number of people, such an overwhelmingly large number of views and opinions; I really can't hold my own, I can't be anything, I'm just weirdly misshaped mixture of everyone else. I'm a globby mess (thats the word! even if it isn't a real word. That's how I feel).
                             Unlike what I make it sound like, this happens pretty often, I get detached pretty often but I always had a little "me-day" planned out which helped me out

  • Listen to Dig-a-Little deeper from The Princess and The Frog (don't you dare underestimate the feel-good power of a Disney song!)
  • Watch a hopeful chick-flick like Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Karate Kid (the original).
  • A good old fashioned make-over (sometimes it helps to be shallow when you're trying to be deep)
  • An hour-and-a-half chat with my besties (well a phone call will have to do now)
 What's weird is that I did all of that today, its just that I didn't find anyone today. Am I lost forever?