I'm looking for me

My poor little blog! Its exactly like one of those houses in the middle of nowhere, so empty, so abandoned.(well at least those houses are occasionally haunted with the most interesting ghosts)

I wish this would stop moving!!

                      My page view trend looks a lot like my grade trend now (in other words, up..up...up..down.....down...umm help?....okay stop....nonono.....STAHP!.....uh-oh rock bottom..."do these go in negative?") This also represents my zen level.

                                                 
                       They all go together, my blog, my grades and my zen, (is that even a thing?) that's what I noticed. I don't really think of myself as a real person anymore, I'm more like that poor waiter trying to balance 3 full plates of sushi and an umbrella while he's on roller-skates in the rain, in the middle of a crowded street AND he has to smile the whole time! 

                          I need to keep my zen levels up and I really don't know how.

Google is no use as usual....here are my search results :-

• Drink green tea (do they even know how horrible that tastes)
• Do yoga (that involves waking up early...not good for my stress levels)
• Smile (Really? i wouldn't have guessed)

Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure all these things work...in some cases; but that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for myself, I'm looking to get to know the inner me again because it feels like I've lost her in all the chaos of the outside world.

                       Essentially, I'm looking for the deep part of me (example here)- the part of me that actually thinks for myself, acts for herself and lives for herself. Because, really, I don't think that I-the glassy, person typing away right now-live for myself or think for myself. I live that cliche life, wanting things that everyone seems to want and doing things that everyone seems to be doing.

I want to think what I want to think, I want to know what I want to know, I want to feel what I want to feel.

           I want to be the me I want to me.

That is, in reality, the problem with school. There is such an overwhelmingly large number of people, such an overwhelmingly large number of views and opinions; I really can't hold my own, I can't be anything, I'm just weirdly misshaped mixture of everyone else. I'm a globby mess (thats the word! even if it isn't a real word. That's how I feel).
                             Unlike what I make it sound like, this happens pretty often, I get detached pretty often but I always had a little "me-day" planned out which helped me out

• Listen to Dig-a-Little deeper from The Princess and The Frog (don't you dare underestimate the feel-good power of a Disney song!)

• Watch a hopeful chick-flick like Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Karate Kid (the original).
• A good old fashioned make-over (sometimes it helps to be shallow when you're trying to be deep)
• An hour-and-a-half chat with my besties (well a phone call will have to do now)

 What's weird is that I did all of that today, its just that I didn't find anyone today. Am I lost forever?

I'm soaked with sweat, my shirt is damp. I think I'm getting Writers Cramp - Dave Crawley

I think I'm having writers block (even if I'm not a real writer). I always imagined writers block to be something like a haze in your brain which didn't let you think at all- maybe that's what it is,

         but for me writers block is period of time, when I think A LOT and I have TONS of ideas but the moment I come to the now faar to familiar webpage which is my blog and start writing, the words stop flowing, like they'd rather stay in my head then leave.

My conclusion is that my head is such an interesting place, my thoughts would rather stay there and go sightseeing than get forced onto a piece of paper or in this case a hypertext-ed document on the World Wide Web (I found a fancy way to say 'webpage'. Haha I could become a writer after all :)   

            Here I am, not really a writer, (just a person who writes because she likes to) and complaining about writers block. I really can't imagine how it would be for a REAL writer, here's to all my favorite writers-because they're positively inspirational!

1. Frank Delaney:
   This isn't in any particular order-but Frank Delaney was the first writer who came into my mind. He's spectacular, he's vivid and he's a storyteller. His works (I've read only two-and that too in the wrong order but I still loved them) are soo descriptive-he weaves a beautiful story set mostly in the 1950's Ireland, a place which seems to be flowing with words, the time and place are so beautiful-he really brings them back to life. He really knows how to write a story!
2. Eva Ibbotson:
   She's always going to be my favorite author! Eva Ibbotson writes stories set in wartime Europe and she captures the peace and indifference of all those places protected from all the fighting. Whats most attractive about her writing is how she seems to still live in that time-she draws you to that time herself- the writing is perfect, there's not a trace of the 21st century...its just pure wartime Europe. Like every other good writer, you find yourself inside her books and unwilling to leave-but here's what makes her special, it feels like she's letting you steer the book. Let me explain: her writing, it isn't strong and commanding, it doesn't feel like she's writing the story and determining the fate of her characters-it feels like she's merely suggesting the next turn of events. You can almost see the bend in the path and in a way she kinda makes you feel like it was your idea all along. Its beautiful and satisfying...a lazy-summer-afternoon-read.
3. J.K Rowling
   
   All hail the queen! I'm a crazy Harry Potter fan, even though I only discovered the awesomeness of the book series much after I watched the movies. I thought that the Harry Potter series was too mainstream-everyone seemed to like it- and that's why I didn't read it, but one day I did (I don't know why, I just did) and I was hooked(haha). Its a whole other world, with so much familiarity yet so many differences, I learned to love that world. (I also learned to long for a letter from Hogwarts)No wonder everyone loved it! Thats when I decided to give mainstreamed things a chance :)  
4. Annie Dalton
   Not very famous (or maybe she is, its just that I don't know too much about her) for it but
   
   Annie Dalton wrote the Angels Unlimited series. She writes in the sarcastic, quirky and smart voice of a teenage girl...and I admire her writing so much. I think it was she who inspired me to start a blog (though not directly), I try to sound like her a lot (failing utterly), I love the British slang and the street smart dialogues-shes definitely my dream writer. I want to be able to develop my own style just like her.

(Is it just me or do Eva Ibbotson and Frank Delaney look alike?)

 While I was writing this I found something in common in all these writers (apart from their eerie face identical-ness, i think its just the pictures), they all have their stories set in exotic places-and they describe these places so well that it feels like I'm actually on vacation.

Eva Ibbotson- The amazon rainforest; the wartime Austro-Hungarian empire; Wartime Germany; Wartime Central Europe

Annie Dalton- Heaven! (its a city in her book :), ancient Japan, Crusades period in the middle East etc. (the book features time-travel haha)

Frank Delaney- beautiful Ireland

J.K Rowling- Hogwarts

Me/her/my-other-dimension-self? Anya 2.0

 Philosophical me says:
Have you ever wanted to be that girl?  You know..the one who is perfect and everything you aren't?
(im sorry if you are a guy, i don't know....do guys feel that way?...i think thats blogger suicide to say that, because nowadays it sounds like you have to be a guru in your own subject to blog about it..but i admit, i have no idea about howanyone else feels about what im talking about, i just wanted to know f anyone could relate....im going off topic again so)
That (again) girl for me is confident and fun and she laughs all the time + when she smiles, the whole world stops and stares for a while(okay i think thats the girl Bruno Mars sings about, not me/her/my-other-dimension-self)i dont know how long I have wanted to be her, but she is the best me i can imagine myself to be.

I dont know whether anyone else actually feels that way but im gonna make her-the other me, that alternate universe me, im gonna make her real. But i dont know whether im gonna be faking it or actually ive been faking it all this time and im actually gonna become the real me(okay hat doesnt make any sense) All i want to know is whether the perfect me (lets call her Anya 2.0) is the me im supposed to be, can i be that funny and confident girl who can talk to anybody whenever she wants
or am i destined to be that quiet girl who has a lot to say but cant really work up the courage to say it to anyone? Is Anya 2.0 hiding behind that mask or is it just my imagination?

to be or not to be

I dont know why im feeling the loss of all this confidence, i feel like a smaller me right now and im ready for Anya 2.0 to come and take the stage and blow them all away.. Not even a feel-good chick flick could save me, someone has to come and take me away..today :/

Am I gonna be that girl behind a mask all my life or am i ready for a transformation?

Teenage me says:
I feel cheesy and weird... is this a mood or is this a wacko brain thing that happens when you hit your head? i dont know...but even if it doesnt pass im gonna have to deal with it.
i sound like my old drama teacher lol