Sunday, December 29, 2013

Looking into my mind, in 20 years.

I'm trying to look into other people's minds (technically I'm still figuring out how to look into my own mind but..). This is, I think, what a mind sounds like-

If there was an escape button for a mistake made, I'd be pushing it right now
          I flashed a smile at the harassed looking girl behind the counter as she stammered apologies here, and timidly took orders there. It must be here first day here.

Today's the day, this is it. This is the end.
I looked out into the dreary city as it slowly chugged by, cursing the traffic. I can't be late. Not today.

"You work here?"
           I sighed, even my cabbie didn't like the look of the place.
There are ways, there are ways to get back up. 
          "Thank you" I said, handing him his fare warily. He seemed alright so far but I couldn't be sure. What he turns out to be one of those creepy visit-again guys? (I've had 2 of those already)

           I feel my feet dragging as I walk the familiar path to my cubicle. I peep into Mel's place, she isn't here. I leaf through a bunch of files, they're just a proof of my poor organizing skills. 
This isn't what you wanted. This isn't you.

              I sip at my coffee, remembering the girl from this morning. She definitely hated her job too. 
Everyone does. It's natural. 
   I flick through some more files, knowing that I'll have to get some work done later on.
This isn't right. This isn't it. There's a world out there.

I turn instinctively to the window, then I remember that Mel's new "workspace" is in the way. I decide to take a walk, to the window, to get some air. Then suddenly, I'm walking to Mike's office. Fast.

             I'm playing with the leaves of the giant plant-tree outside his door. He's definitely busy. Maybe I should come back later.
This is it. It's time to go.

 "Hey...", he looks puzzled. Of course he's puzzled, I'm not supposed to be here.
I just wanted to tell you that I quit. I can't do this anymore but it's been great working for you and this company. It's definitely experience. But it's time for me to go now. 
           "Nothing, I just came to uhh, clarify a little doubt I had...." and I rush with my words; they all tumble out, a mess. I'm a mess.

                Leaning my head against the cold glass (this time I actually made it to the window), I finish the speech I'd started in my head in Mike's office, "I need to go because this isn't me. This job isn't me. I don't...I can't do this. Not anymore." 
      I look at my reflection in the glass, knowing that I would be the only one who would ever hear those words.

               They're telling me (the real me) that I'm at a "crucial point", the crossroad, the point of no return. They're saying that a mistake made now, could cost me...forever.
                    At least this time, I know who "they" are. They're my parents, my teachers and all those other "well-wishers" who do nothing but make my life harder, make me worry harder.

I don't want be that girl, who years from now, regrets a mistake I, 16-year-old-I, made. I don't want to have a mid-life crisis in my thirty's(I don't want to have a mid-life crisis at all, but that's another story).

           I want to make the right choices and I want to be unafraid. I want to be able to take this decision-making-time and turn it around. I want to be strong right now.

                But I'm still scared, scared of messing up, scared of looking out of the window one day and wishing that I'd made a different choice today.