Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I want to live, not just exist

                           At first I thought I'd make a post just for the heck of it...then I remembered that I make ALL my posts just for the heck of it haha (not that I don't love my blog, but we all know that my rambling is amusing(hopefully?) but useless)

It's Wednesday and we're over the hump, so yay us! (in reality I really like Wednesday though, by then I actually get used to waking up early; but Thursday brings a weekend rush with it and I get lazy all over again)
                         I woke up on Monday this week (I was supposed to write this post on Monday but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, but Wednesday's good right?) with the worst case of STFU-itis ever (the disease of being anxious and cranky on a Monday morning). For me, besides anxiety, it also creates an unusual -ok usual- patch of pessimistic philosophy.
                   
I just realized that waking up on Monday morning is never going to end. Even if I count down for the weekend, what's after that? Monday. If I count down for winter break, what's after that? Another Monday. If I count down for graduation (3 more semesters!), what's after that? College. More work, more Mondays.

                  Okay, I guess I haven't been really fair to Mondays but they've become a symbol of the tedious routine of my life. What am I going to do? School (filled with GPA, SAT and other alphabet combinations). Then college (which probably has it's own alphabetical torture). Then some obscure desk-job where I'm still going to be complaining about Mondays.
                    It's like I have a whole life already planned out ahead of me....only I don't want a pre-planned life. I don't want to go to college and find a job (which will probably be some obscure desk job with awkward elevator silences and mean bosses). Because I know that when I'm 80, I probably won't have any colorful stories to tell. And if it's one thing I want, it's a life full of weird tales-- funny, but weird.
                    I know that anyone would tell me to follow my dreams- do what I want. (I've said it myself, "Life's an empty canvas and you've got your brush...so what're you waiting for?" ). But...what if your ambition requires you to work really hard, to give up the small things?
                   That's a hard one. Maybe that ambition isn't really yours. It may be all shiny lights and big money, but I'm sure it's not gonna be fun. I'm not going to fall for a glamorous desk job with high pay- because a desk job is a desk job.
                            Doing things at your own pace, and liking what you're doing mayn't give you the finer things in life. But it's probably going to give you the best things- like happiness and that feeling you get when people laugh at your funny and weird stories, telling you that your life is awesome(that feeling is indirectly happiness...but I just wanted to mention it :)

                    I need the courage to look for happiness instead of looking for money. It's really crucial right now and I don't want to make a mistake. On one hand, I don't really want to whine about Mondays 10 years from now, but I also really don't want to not be able to pay my bills. Is there a compromise? Is there a way I can be happy on my own terms but also on the terms of the world?
                                                 Because I want to live, not just survive.