Looking into my mind, in 20 years.

I'm trying to look into other people's minds (technically I'm still figuring out how to look into my own mind but..). This is, I think, what a mind sounds like-

****

If there was an escape button for a mistake made, I'd be pushing it right now. 

          I flashed a smile at the harassed looking girl behind the counter as she stammered apologies here, and timidly took orders there. It must be here first day here.

"taXI!" 

Today's the day, this is it. This is the end.

I looked out into the dreary city as it slowly chugged by, cursing the traffic. I can't be late. Not today.

"You work here?"

           I sighed, even my cabbie didn't like the look of the place.

There are ways, there are ways to get back up. 

          "Thank you" I said, handing him his fare warily. He seemed alright so far but I couldn't be sure. What he turns out to be one of those creepy visit-again guys? (I've had 2 of those already)

           I feel my feet dragging as I walk the familiar path to my cubicle. I peep into Mel's place, she isn't here. I leaf through a bunch of files, they're just a proof of my poor organizing skills. 

This isn't what you wanted. This isn't you.

              I sip at my coffee, remembering the girl from this morning. She definitely hated her job too. 

Everyone does. It's natural. 

   I flick through some more files, knowing that I'll have to get some work done later on.

This isn't right. This isn't it. There's a world out there.

I turn instinctively to the window, then I remember that Mel's new "workspace" is in the way. I decide to take a walk, to the window, to get some air. Then suddenly, I'm walking to Mike's office. Fast.

             I'm playing with the leaves of the giant plant-tree outside his door. He's definitely busy. Maybe I should come back later.

This is it. It's time to go.

 "Hey...", he looks puzzled. Of course he's puzzled, I'm not supposed to be here.

I just wanted to tell you that I quit. I can't do this anymore but it's been great working for you and this company. It's definitely been...an experience. But it's time for me to go now. 

           "Nothing, I just came to uhh, clarify a little doubt I had...." and I rush with my words; they all tumble out, a mess. I'm a mess.

                Leaning my head against the cold glass (this time I actually made it to the window), I finish the speech I'd started in my head in Mike's office, "I need to go because this isn't me. This job isn't me. I don't...I can't do this. Not anymore." 

      I look at my reflection in the glass, knowing that I would be the only one who would ever hear those words.

****

               They're telling me (the real me) that I'm at a "crucial point", the crossroad, the point of no return. They're saying that a mistake made now, could cost me...forever.

                    At least this time, I know who "they" are. They're my parents, my teachers and all those other "well-wishers" who do nothing but make my life harder, make me worry harder.

I don't want be that girl, who years from now, regrets a mistake I, 16-year-old-I, made. I don't want to have a mid-life crisis in my thirty's(I don't want to have a mid-life crisis at all, but that's another story).

           I want to make the right choices and I want to be unafraid. I want to be able to take this decision-making-time and turn it around. I want to be strong right now.

                But I'm still scared, scared of messing up, scared of looking out of the window one day and wishing that I'd made a different choice today.

There are two kinds of love

She's singing Mariah Carey again. My mom.
When she reaches her pitchy (Though she thinks she's perfect- "I used to be in my church's choir at your age") "Baby, All I want for christmaaaas is yoooooo", I wonder at her love. At how she's still so in love, there's no other word for it. There are no synonyms for love. No other word (Just to be thorough:

none of these even come close...

My parents are definitely the most successful love story I've ever seen. It's been 17 years and they're still so happy together. I've seen it in their eyes. They're that cliche happy couple with their perfect little family (except for their unfittingly different daughter of course but that's another story).

Every time I see their hands naturally find each other, or I turn to find them smiling into each others eyes, I feel my heart burst with their love. I'm not even trying to exaggerate, it's just the way it is- they spread their love everywhere.

I'm more than just envious, I'm jealous (Those words mean the same thing but I still think jealousy is worse than envy haha). I want a love like theirs in my life too. I'd always wondered how they managed to find each other.

You'd imagine a couple like that would have a really adorable story about how they met, or about how my dad proposed, or about how they used to hate each other at first, but my parents actually had a not so beautiful beginning.

They had an arranged marriage. The first time they actually talked to each other was at their engagement party! This is the part that drives me nuts...they didn't even find each other! They didn't even know each other until after they were married! They didn't even have a choice...

Here, in America, this concept is pretty unheard of. It sounds ominous actually. But it's not that uncommon back home. The whole arranged marriage thing seemed to be doing everyone a favor.

they grew old together. But...
they didn't find each other

"It's magic." my grandma says, "you'll find the one you love and you don't even have to look." Is this even real?

This totally shattered me,
But it still got me thinking... does real love exist?
You know, that thing all my sappy movies describe, that feeling of knowing when you look into someone's eyes, that feeling that you belong here, right here in those eyes.
Or was that just romantic crap some writer spun out in his huge mansion in LA?

My parents love each other. There's no doubt about it. But they didn't look in each other's eyes and find a missing part of themselves or whatever. Their love developed over the years, and it's only going to get stronger. But..

But then is it possible that "The One" person who's meant for you doesn't exist? Is it possible that you just take what you've got and you can learn to love them as much as the couple in every rom-com?

I've come to think that maybe there are too kinds of love...the kind that develops over time, a love that didn't start out as love at all. But a love that's strong and reliable and comfortable.
And the kind that's present from the very first moment. It's that love when you find that person who's made for you, that person who's is really, and truly your other half. It's that love of belonging and familiarity.

Maybe there's still hope, maybe there ARE two kinds of love.
Maybe the rom-com writers weren't spinning crap at all.....maybe they were just talking about the one kind of love... (In that case someone needs to make a rom-com about the other kind too...the lack of movies led me to moments of serious confusion haha)

I really do think there's someone out there who's actually The SoulMate. Someone who's really just a long lost part of me.

On the other hand, even if we don't find our "soul mate", we can still love with all our heart...and find that there are people who love us back.

I can't think of a remotely nice sounding name for this post...... The Good Things About Finals (to put it bluntly)

Finals week is burning through....and really fast too.

                I wish I could be one of those people who complains about studying and finals fever and stuff...but it feels like just any other week to me (with an abnormal amount of just-opened-my-text-book-for-the-first-time paper flips and coffee in the air).

           

                       If you want instant stress relief during finals (not that anyone would even be online during finals week except to post updates like "3 more days!" or "#finalsStress #DidntStudy #feelingNerdy + *fake nerdy picture with a textbook*"), you shouldn't come to me because I am, that person who doesn't stress about these things.....like ever.....

Okay maybe I'm only kidding but Finals is actually a relief after regular school time

Reason #1: The day is incredibly short! No more wasting the entire day at school because you get to spend the rest of the day *studying*. I'm pretty sure most people only use like 20% of that time to study. The rest of it is meant for enjoying the late morning which, in case most teenagers haven't noticed, is something we don't get to do very often thanks to school!

I'm so cool Hipster Owl :)

Reason #2: No more dealing with annoying people. All we have to do is get to class, do whatever they tell you to do for two short hours and get to leave. Aand there's a bonus! The two *short* hours involved 0 to minimal interaction with the otherwise annoying fellow students (who really are a pain, with all their little dramas and would-be cool attitudes-- "Duuuuuude, I listened to that before it became mainstream....... *talking to him/herself in a loud voice for people to hear" or "OhmiGod! she's such a bitch!! *two minutes later* I'm so hipster yo, I hate high school drama...I'm above that shit.")

Reason #3: Once we're done with a subject, we don't have to think about it until next year. Sounds pretty nice, doesn't it? (even though next year is like 3 weeks away and all the amazing vloggers and viners have already started making "What happened in 2013" posts.... Honestly, I think they're totally rushing things, WE'VE GOT 3 MORE WEEKS! THINGS COULD HAPPEN! Don't start talking about 2013 like it's dead....yet. 

           Things like this really stress me out- like the fact that a whole year has gone by and i still sometimes write 2012 on my papers, or the fact that I have completed a total of 0 of my new years resolutions and I'm probably going to have to start thinking up new ones for 2014 now..... I'm seriously thinking of not making any resolutions this year. What's the point? These New year things serve as a reminder to our- I say "our" because I know that 70% of the population didn't fulfill their's either (I should be making a survey about that! okay one High School Survey On New Years Resolutions coming right up!)- laziness and also show my (our?) naive nature from a year before. Okay now it's me doing it. Let's stop. No more talk of the new year, let's enjoy what we have left of 2013, we haven't even had Christmas yet...Who's talking about Christmas? Christmas is good...Shiny lights and candy... and Baby Jesus (I meant Baby Jesus first of course :p))

Okay I just got really really back-tracked and I don't really feel like deleting everything that I wrote, I don't even feel up to moving it to a separate post for itself. So I guess this will just have to be the "What's good about Finals (+ teensy tiny rant about new year)" post. 

Well that final rant really took the steam out of me haha, I really can't go any longer about the good things about finals....All I was trying to say that it's ONE WEEK. and it's the one week before winter break! We've even got a nice prize in the end! 

                       Finals is a race which is slow and breezy, no need to get worried, just keep your eye on the prize. Winter Break! It'll be over real quick.

In the mean time, don't forget- we still have three weeks! Maybe one of your resolutions can be done in 3 weeks! (trust me, keeping a resolution is one of the best feelings in the world- it's like the feeling you get when you're lying in bed, half asleep and listening to someone else get ready for work :)

Happy Finals everyone! And happy holidays (as in Christmas)!

Me vs.The Universe

“I don't want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.” 

― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

This is probably the most famous quote from the book but I just had to put it in. It's not even my favorite quote, but it was begging. 

                         Because nobody wants to stay in a bad place. But we all do. the world is a bad place: nobody really believes in silver linings, nobody really believes in love and no one, absolutely Nobody believes in a happy ending.

                            It's almost a joke: life isn't a movie they say(The mysterious "they" strike(s) again), nobody has a happy ending. Nothing ever goes the way it's supposed to go. Life isn't perfect, it's an accepted fact. 

             There are people who can get you down; and sometimes, things just happen. You never get what you want and when you do, it's all just an illusion because nothing is really an ending- every little ending is just a new beginning with it's cruel little plot twists. 

                                 Is the universe really designed to make people sad? 

Is it designed to stop happy endings? If it isn't, then why don't they exist, happy endings I mean. Why does no one have one. Why is no one really happy? 

                      I'm making a lot of assumptions right now but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Nobody is happy. Nobody has happy endings and It's a waste of time really, looking for a silver lining, because - in case it hasn't been noticed already- clouds don't have silver linings.  

                            Random optimism ("Every cloud has a silver lining!" or "When one door shuts close, another always opens up :)" etc.) is great, but to really really be happy, one has to numb out negativity. Just ignore it. Because life's going to get you down, but you've got to ignore it and keep working. Everyone's gonna try and stop you but you can't be stopped. 

      I think the universe is working against us. It's making us feel like there's no such thing as love or happy endings or silver linings. It's destroying them for us. We have to ignore it.

               It's just that person in the corner with a bad attitude who's in need of some coffee. So what if the universe is a bad place, so what if the world is a place with apparently no silver linings and no love? 

            Even if the universe is working against us, it can never destroy us. It can give us a pretty rough time, it can take away our happy endings but in the end, it can't ruin us completely.

             Maybe we can't control the world around us but there's we can control ourselves. So it's our job to twist and dodge every shot the (evil) universe throws at us, sometimes it may give us a curveball, and we may feel hopeless. (It does seem hopeless doesn't it? when you've got the great big cosmos against you?) 

          But we have to get back up, We have to fight for our happy endings, fight to get them back. It may seem like no one's happy but after this war, we're all going to get them back, every last fair-tale. Because we're not going to lose to the universe which seems to be constantly working to bring us down.

                             It seems like a mess. But I'm waging a war with the cosmos.

                   

I want to live, not just exist

                           At first I thought I'd make a post just for the heck of it...then I remembered that I make ALL my posts just for the heck of it haha (not that I don't love my blog, but we all know that my rambling is amusing(hopefully?) but useless)

It's Wednesday and we're over the hump, so yay us! (in reality I really like Wednesday though, by then I actually get used to waking up early; but Thursday brings a weekend rush with it and I get lazy all over again)
                         I woke up on Monday this week (I was supposed to write this post on Monday but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, but Wednesday's good right?) with the worst case of STFU-itis ever (the disease of being anxious and cranky on a Monday morning). For me, besides anxiety, it also creates an unusual -ok usual- patch of pessimistic philosophy.
                   
I just realized that waking up on Monday morning is never going to end. Even if I count down for the weekend, what's after that? Monday. If I count down for winter break, what's after that? Another Monday. If I count down for graduation (3 more semesters!), what's after that? College. More work, more Mondays.

                  Okay, I guess I haven't been really fair to Mondays but they've become a symbol of the tedious routine of my life. What am I going to do? School (filled with GPA, SAT and other alphabet combinations). Then college (which probably has it's own alphabetical torture). Then some obscure desk-job where I'm still going to be complaining about Mondays.
                    It's like I have a whole life already planned out ahead of me....only I don't want a pre-planned life. I don't want to go to college and find a job (which will probably be some obscure desk job with awkward elevator silences and mean bosses). Because I know that when I'm 80, I probably won't have any colorful stories to tell. And if it's one thing I want, it's a life full of weird tales-- funny, but weird.
                    I know that anyone would tell me to follow my dreams- do what I want. (I've said it myself, "Life's an empty canvas and you've got your brush...so what're you waiting for?" ). But...what if your ambition requires you to work really hard, to give up the small things?
                   That's a hard one. Maybe that ambition isn't really yours. It may be all shiny lights and big money, but I'm sure it's not gonna be fun. I'm not going to fall for a glamorous desk job with high pay- because a desk job is a desk job.
                            Doing things at your own pace, and liking what you're doing mayn't give you the finer things in life. But it's probably going to give you the best things- like happiness and that feeling you get when people laugh at your funny and weird stories, telling you that your life is awesome(that feeling is indirectly happiness...but I just wanted to mention it :)

                    I need the courage to look for happiness instead of looking for money. It's really crucial right now and I don't want to make a mistake. On one hand, I don't really want to whine about Mondays 10 years from now, but I also really don't want to not be able to pay my bills. Is there a compromise? Is there a way I can be happy on my own terms but also on the terms of the world?
                                                 Because I want to live, not just survive.

Flappers and all that jazz

I wish I was born in another time period...don't get me wrong, I actually like the 2000s with all the great music (i mean we have more than just pretty boy bands, we DO have some real music out there), the great technology (as much as I hate hashtags, I think twitter's pretty cool) and

some cool things going on (the church is starting to accept gay people, and I'm expecting our current pope to actually let women be priests)- 

yes that about sums up the 2000s for me- 

                                                        music, social justice (almost there), technology (only partially). 

Hell.. that about sums up everything I care about in my life- 

    (you can now see why this site is titled 'Yeah I'm A Teenage Blogger' now haha)

Well IF I was born in any other time period, I'd probably choose (because this is my world, and here we have a free choice of which era to be born in) the 1920's, the roaring 20's yeah.

Everyone  knows about how the 20's was a time when there was much illegal drinking because alcohol was prohibited (I know most people's reaction to this law was something like "wait...wah..bu..wat?!" but I think I understand why they did it).

                       But the 20's was so much more than speak-easies (illegal bars with actual passwords :)

and dancing women and jazz music. It was something else, it was the AGE of progress (even more so than the progressive era!). 

                       Women TOTALLY rose up. These 1920's ladies laid the foundation for what we are today. They started going to college and getting a job (or at least going to high school and getting a job), they started fashion, they started make-up, they started flirting- in other words, they started the woman race as it is today. 

                         Without the 1920s women would have been like: 

From this 

To this

that girl at whose birth everyone flinched because she was a girl. That girl who stayed at home all day and did house work for her mother.
That girl who compliantly married the man of her parents' choice.
That girl who now stayed at home all day and did house work for her husband.

That girl who enjoyed her sad little life because it was all she knew.

Now that the 20s came around, the women had more to do. I admit that it wasn't like all the women just suddenly woke up one day and went, "Oh my God! my life is going to ruins! I must totally leave the house and get out there! I need to see the world!". And that's partially because we don't usually say stuff the moment when we wake up (it's more like uhuuuhh.....hucbdsb which is sleep code for "I want to be asleep right now!!") and also because nobody actually says things like that.
                      It was just the circumstances, women had just gotten the right to vote. They thought they were on top of things. They'd been working through the war to keep up the economy and were feeling pretty accomplished. So they got out of the house, they got jobs, they got themselves some money.
              That's when it started, the nations first generation of shoppers! These ladies were great! Skirts became littler, co-eds became commoner (more common?) - you were finally allowed to spend the rest of your life with someone you actually knew and liked!! and make-up started to exist :)

I may not be the biggest fan of slutty dresses and make up, but...I guess these guys are an exception. I mean, the life of a woman in the 1900's was probably torture- I'd take slutty dresses and make up over forced child birth and spousal rape any day.

                 But as usual, the "elders" had a problem with the girls. Don't they always? They called these women "flappers"- I suppose that this was their idea of a 'bad word' haha. Obviously it didn't work. We all love 'em now...I mean I think I saw 6-7 "flapper" costumes this halloween and what it did was make me smile.

The flappers were the best thing that happened to the women of the world- they finally made the girls "one of the boys".

How this connects to the world today is the Miley Cyrus talk and all the twerking and *other things* going on there...
                  Is Miley Cyrus the flapper of our generation? Is what we call too much going to be not that much in the future? Are people in the 2100's going to be smiling at all the controvery around the 2013 VMAs?

When are we going to stop? How much progress is too much progress?

I think that the "progress" we are seeing here with Miley Cyrus and all her little follower twerkers is not progress at all...
I mean I don't really have a problem with Miley Cyrus or her amazing nerve (honestly, I admire her for everything) It's just that we're going back to the same old days, the woman entertains the man.

It's okay, women can do whatever they want. That's the idea. I hope this thought doesn't get woozy, I hope no one runs away with the idea that women's progress is twerking heaven--because it isn't.
Women can entertain men, I'm not saying it's wrong or anything...But it's just as long as there're men to entertain women too...That's real gender balance.

I actually think Miley Cyrus has got the right idea, she did seem a bit offended-  talking about how nobody gossips about the guy behind the booty who seems to be enjoying himself, but about the booty itself. (Hey I think that's a quote!! I see a future here :)

So lets just hope all the other trend-setters have they're sights set for the right kind of progress.

(Note: this is NOT a Miley Cyrus post, it's a progress post, it's 1920's salute post---I'm still trying to convince ,myself haha)

Lets give Nuclear Power a chance...can we please?

I know its scary but I really think that's its time for the big Change (its big enough to be capitalized!)
(PS this is a nuclear power plant in the far islands of Germany)

So they're closing another Nuclear Power Plant. Another one. 
                         That's definitely the last straw (though technically for me, it would be the first one. I really haven't really been in the closing nuclear power plants and other groovy news items loop :p ). I seriously think that if things keep going this way, we won't have any (nuclear) power plants left. Imagine that!
                         Most people have an incredibly bad opinion about nuclear power plants, calling it "dangerous" and "unnecessary". It seems like a lot of drama over something that's a good thing :/ 
                            
                        First of all, nuclear power plants aren't dangerous! I don't know what put that notion into people's heads (actually I do, if you're remembering all those explosions. Take note that there has been only one actual dangerous nuclear disaster in history and that was at Chernobyl. Want to know how many people died of it? 56). I'm not saying that it's okay for 56 people to die, if it's just 56 people. 
            I'm saying that nuclear disasters, which people think would happen everyday, almost never happen! We've had only one dangerous one so far, and it was 27 years ago! Technology has improved, we're only getting better at making energy. It's a lot safer now, we haven't had an accident in a looong time (I choose to ignore Fukushima- no I haven't been living under a rock, I know that it happened- because the death toll isn't in. So far they have just one man who died within a 20-mile radius due to anything that remotely resembles over-exposure to high radiation levels). 
                         And also, its not like Nuclear Power Plants are the only ones that have accidents...(because I'm not here to cover up the mistakes made in the past, they're here and there's nothing we can do about it-except for learn from them, which we do- I'm here to point fingers!) Other sources of energy are equally dangerous, sometimes- and by that I mean most of the time- these other sources are a LOT more dangerous. My obvious example would be oil!

That would be uncomfortable on my roof too

Yes i have resorted to cute animal pictures
But hey! they work :)

• First they build they're huge drilling machines over the pretty (dangerous and slippery) Arctic landscape.
• They they take it out. But what good is oil if its all stuck in the Arctic right? So now they take their humongous oil tankers up there to get all the oil back. They aren't even CAREFUL with it. Oils spills are soo common nowadays...(seriously, you can go Google "oil spill in the news" right now and you would probably get news about an oil spill that occurred yesterday or maybe last week?)There have been more than 150 dangerous oil spills recorded in history. The Exxon Valdez and BP oil spills are some of the worst. Just because the ones affected aren't people (in this case, adorable sea otters and other amazing creatures of the sea) doesn't mean that we shouldn't care!

Oil refinery in the UAE

• Then this oil (if it survives an oil spill that is) is taken to a refinery to be well, refined. That's where the people dying part comes in. Do you know how much an oil refinery pollutes the environment in a year? I don't know and I don't want to. Polluted air sucks, it kills people...more than 56 people (I don't mean to offend the 56 who died but I really need them for my comparisons. I'm not evil! Don't judge me!!). THIS is what most environmentalists are always talking about. The ozone layer, polluted air...it all seems so repetitive...but hey! I guess that's the price you pay right?
• Then this refined oil is put into cars, airplanes and all the other ego-rising vessels for transportation and what do we get? More pollution!! yay! (plush interiors and all that jazz to death right?) 
• OR that refined oil is burned to give us "energy" (so what do we have now? A lot of pollution and maybe, just maybe a little titchy bit of energy which isn't enough. Who would've thought?)

                      Now why did I even go into oil and how much it sucks to be a part of a wrld that uses it? Oh yeah...Nuclear Power Plants :)

Thermal power plant in India

                           As I was saying, nuclear power plants are NOT "dangerous" or "expensive". They are, truth be told, a lot cheaper than natural gas/ oil power plants. Its really surprising, really really surprising considering that nuclear power plants make about 73 thousand times more energy than any old natural gas power plant. (73199.998536 to be exact). According to MIT's estimation, natural gas power plants cost about 5.1 ¢/kWhr (cents per kilo-watts hour) while a nuclear power plant costs about 3.5 ¢/kWhr. Lets not forget that natural gas also costs a lot to manufacture, and is also super polluting. Now we know that nuclear power plants are cheaper, we know that they're a lot less work (just one power plant and we're good for the next ten years...no messy refining or drilling). Why not give it a shot? Think of the baby otters!!

Nuclear power plants are green, they're cheap and they aren't what you think they are. Lets give them a chance, because if we do wanna keep riding our cars and flying our planes we should stop using oil to power our lights and computers too!

My source for ALL of this information is http://www.eia.gov/ which is actually a government website and is ALL credible- so this is more than just one delusional girl's thoughts, their real. (I can't believe that I just called myself delusional).