There is no end (that is the least vague title I could think of, sorry :)

Rubbing my hands together, I tried to imagine the warmth, the familiarity of warmth. Maybe if I could imagine it, I'd be it. 

While you're at it, you'd better imagine what Light feels like too. 

             I've been in the darkness for... a long enough time to have lost track. I've given up hope. 

                                 I'd always thought that that cold feeling creeping  into my heart would leave, that there was an end to this tunnel- that there'd be a light I could fix my eyes onto, a light that'd lead me back.

There is no light. There is no end. 

It's not just hope, I've lost faith too. 

           I feel the darkness all around me, but I like that. The world around us, it seems like it has the Light, it feels like it has the Warmth. It doesn't; it's all an illusion. I look at the world around me and it feels like even the winds are rushing past in a hurry, the clouds move on and the sun sets (I'm not even going to start on people). Everything is moving. Nothing is ever the same, nothing is familiar and that's why the darkness is.  

                     The darkness never changes. You can be what you want to be and depend on it that everything around you won't change....all you have to do is close your eyes.

There is no light. There is no end, but if you stop for a second and stop looking around. Then maybe you'll notice that you ARE you're light. 

            Maybe I don't need the light, maybe I don't need to have something to move towards. What if I don't want this tunnel to end? I am  my own light. I'll move on my own terms, I'm won't let the world change me.  I'll close my eyes and stay in the the darkness. I'll stay in the darkness because that's where my light shines best. 

so I made my own place. People call it darkness
but  at least it is my darkness.

The adventures of fan fiction

                 Eliza’s an outspoken American, Darcy’s a blueblood British lawyer. Eliza’s prejudiced to think that her opinion is the only one worth having, Darcy’s pride causes him to be ill suited to recommend himself to Americans. Can hate turn to love? Perhaps...

 This isn't what it looks like....Ok it is (I feel really pretentious now haha)
                            I've just been reading Darcy and Elizabeth fan fiction for hours (which sucks by the way). After I read Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, I couldn't really form any opinions about it, aside from the fact that I love love loved it! But that's pretty invalid because I seem to get emotionally attached to every book I read. Yes, I'm sure I would've liked Twilight if I'd read it (but too many people warned me against it..... I usually don't take book recommendations (or un-recommendations in this case), but once you hear something bad about anything, you can't forget about it. The trash talk hangs in the air..)

Fan fiction really is a weird part of the internet..I mean it has really talented people in it, sometimes when I was reading, it sounded soo like Jane Austen...right down to the semi-colon followed by the "and"...that its pretty hard to believe that it was written by some weird teenager, glorious young adult who puts their writing skills to good use, behind a bright computer screen.
             

not that anyone actually uses a type-writer anymore..right?
Or should be owning one? omiGod

 I really think that people who write fan fiction have potential. They don't have to be ghost writers forever! They need to start writing their own thing.. Of course many of they do put out their own works but they seem, somehow...bland; like without the base structure of a great (and often classic/old) author they cannot write, like they aren't writers unless their writing over what has already been written.
           
I know that I can't judge, but don't they see? If only they could reach out just a little further, they can achieve sooo much. Because I totally admired their commitment towards their television-soap-type plots (some lasted for more than 20 chapters!); I just hated the way they had to copy the way the original writers wrote.

I kinda realised that good writing doesn't just depend on a great story, neither does it depend on great writing. It kinda depends on both. A good story has a defined plot but also has good style that does it justice.

People scare me.

I don't know whether I'm ready to write yet... the world of writing seems like a nice bubbly little stream from the outside, but on closer inspection the bubble turn out to be the breath of monsters under the surface.
The world of writing scares me, but I really admire those tough people who're in them.

All I want to say is that I would write if I could, and it really worries me when people who should write won't.

Happy 2014! (I promised myself I wouldn't say YOLO)

Just in case you've been living under a pile of work (or have just been avoiding television and instagram and other evil-society-things ever since the Great Miley Cyrus Incident - which is fine actually)...

IT'S almost THE NEW YEAR!

               Living in the slowest time zone in the world can be a pain some times, but at least i still get to hold onto 2013 a leetle bit longer; this year has been....just like any other year of my life - perfect in it's own way. Because I wouldn't change anything about anything in my life- it wouldn't be mine if I did :)

       My New Year's resolution is going to be 'No Regrets', I know the whole "Life's too short" and "YOLO" phrases have been overused (and totally hated- with good reason too) but I have to say it...Carpe Diem (I would say "seize the year" in Latin to sound more fancy but year in Latin isn't very pretty). There's no point in regretting what you've done, just go with it! 

                   The idea of life is to write a good story, to paint a good picture- to have something beautiful at the end of it. It's not about being correct all the time and always doing what's right in society's perspective, because a "correct" picture is a neat one, where all the all the shapes are geometric and all the colors are within the lines. It's not real. 

This is harder than it looks (took me close to a half hour to make)

No one has a life that looks like that. You can't always do what's expected, you can't always do what society says is perfect.....because then you'll end up with a picture like that ^ 

                           It's our mistakes, our sudden decisions, random mood swings and crazy days that make us who we are. So let's wear our mistakes loud and proud! Because we all know that perfection includes all those little things that make us who we are. It's our choices that make us different. It's our choices that help make our masterpiece. So whatever you do, don't regret your decisions. You made them! They're the right ones simply because they're yours. These decisions make our lives, so let's make our lives whatever we want them to be...(here I am back to the Life's an empty canvas thing..)

I'm not suggesting anything by using Van Gogh. I'm not.

Lets make our decisions make a master piece for us!

So I really don't want to Wish anyone a Happy New Year....I'm willing everyone an amazing year....Absolutely willing you all to have a great year. Because we can't stop others from making us unhappy but we can stop making ourselves unhappy... 

If we stop regretting, half of the sadness is already gone. Half the happiness is already here!

(Don't hate on "YOLO", life is too short to have regrets. #yolo is actually deep haha :)

Looking into my mind, in 20 years.

I'm trying to look into other people's minds (technically I'm still figuring out how to look into my own mind but..). This is, I think, what a mind sounds like-

****

If there was an escape button for a mistake made, I'd be pushing it right now. 

          I flashed a smile at the harassed looking girl behind the counter as she stammered apologies here, and timidly took orders there. It must be here first day here.

"taXI!" 

Today's the day, this is it. This is the end.

I looked out into the dreary city as it slowly chugged by, cursing the traffic. I can't be late. Not today.

"You work here?"

           I sighed, even my cabbie didn't like the look of the place.

There are ways, there are ways to get back up. 

          "Thank you" I said, handing him his fare warily. He seemed alright so far but I couldn't be sure. What he turns out to be one of those creepy visit-again guys? (I've had 2 of those already)

           I feel my feet dragging as I walk the familiar path to my cubicle. I peep into Mel's place, she isn't here. I leaf through a bunch of files, they're just a proof of my poor organizing skills. 

This isn't what you wanted. This isn't you.

              I sip at my coffee, remembering the girl from this morning. She definitely hated her job too. 

Everyone does. It's natural. 

   I flick through some more files, knowing that I'll have to get some work done later on.

This isn't right. This isn't it. There's a world out there.

I turn instinctively to the window, then I remember that Mel's new "workspace" is in the way. I decide to take a walk, to the window, to get some air. Then suddenly, I'm walking to Mike's office. Fast.

             I'm playing with the leaves of the giant plant-tree outside his door. He's definitely busy. Maybe I should come back later.

This is it. It's time to go.

 "Hey...", he looks puzzled. Of course he's puzzled, I'm not supposed to be here.

I just wanted to tell you that I quit. I can't do this anymore but it's been great working for you and this company. It's definitely been...an experience. But it's time for me to go now. 

           "Nothing, I just came to uhh, clarify a little doubt I had...." and I rush with my words; they all tumble out, a mess. I'm a mess.

                Leaning my head against the cold glass (this time I actually made it to the window), I finish the speech I'd started in my head in Mike's office, "I need to go because this isn't me. This job isn't me. I don't...I can't do this. Not anymore." 

      I look at my reflection in the glass, knowing that I would be the only one who would ever hear those words.

****

               They're telling me (the real me) that I'm at a "crucial point", the crossroad, the point of no return. They're saying that a mistake made now, could cost me...forever.

                    At least this time, I know who "they" are. They're my parents, my teachers and all those other "well-wishers" who do nothing but make my life harder, make me worry harder.

I don't want be that girl, who years from now, regrets a mistake I, 16-year-old-I, made. I don't want to have a mid-life crisis in my thirty's(I don't want to have a mid-life crisis at all, but that's another story).

           I want to make the right choices and I want to be unafraid. I want to be able to take this decision-making-time and turn it around. I want to be strong right now.

                But I'm still scared, scared of messing up, scared of looking out of the window one day and wishing that I'd made a different choice today.

There are two kinds of love

She's singing Mariah Carey again. My mom.
When she reaches her pitchy (Though she thinks she's perfect- "I used to be in my church's choir at your age") "Baby, All I want for christmaaaas is yoooooo", I wonder at her love. At how she's still so in love, there's no other word for it. There are no synonyms for love. No other word (Just to be thorough:

none of these even come close...

My parents are definitely the most successful love story I've ever seen. It's been 17 years and they're still so happy together. I've seen it in their eyes. They're that cliche happy couple with their perfect little family (except for their unfittingly different daughter of course but that's another story).

Every time I see their hands naturally find each other, or I turn to find them smiling into each others eyes, I feel my heart burst with their love. I'm not even trying to exaggerate, it's just the way it is- they spread their love everywhere.

I'm more than just envious, I'm jealous (Those words mean the same thing but I still think jealousy is worse than envy haha). I want a love like theirs in my life too. I'd always wondered how they managed to find each other.

You'd imagine a couple like that would have a really adorable story about how they met, or about how my dad proposed, or about how they used to hate each other at first, but my parents actually had a not so beautiful beginning.

They had an arranged marriage. The first time they actually talked to each other was at their engagement party! This is the part that drives me nuts...they didn't even find each other! They didn't even know each other until after they were married! They didn't even have a choice...

Here, in America, this concept is pretty unheard of. It sounds ominous actually. But it's not that uncommon back home. The whole arranged marriage thing seemed to be doing everyone a favor.

they grew old together. But...
they didn't find each other

"It's magic." my grandma says, "you'll find the one you love and you don't even have to look." Is this even real?

This totally shattered me,
But it still got me thinking... does real love exist?
You know, that thing all my sappy movies describe, that feeling of knowing when you look into someone's eyes, that feeling that you belong here, right here in those eyes.
Or was that just romantic crap some writer spun out in his huge mansion in LA?

My parents love each other. There's no doubt about it. But they didn't look in each other's eyes and find a missing part of themselves or whatever. Their love developed over the years, and it's only going to get stronger. But..

But then is it possible that "The One" person who's meant for you doesn't exist? Is it possible that you just take what you've got and you can learn to love them as much as the couple in every rom-com?

I've come to think that maybe there are too kinds of love...the kind that develops over time, a love that didn't start out as love at all. But a love that's strong and reliable and comfortable.
And the kind that's present from the very first moment. It's that love when you find that person who's made for you, that person who's is really, and truly your other half. It's that love of belonging and familiarity.

Maybe there's still hope, maybe there ARE two kinds of love.
Maybe the rom-com writers weren't spinning crap at all.....maybe they were just talking about the one kind of love... (In that case someone needs to make a rom-com about the other kind too...the lack of movies led me to moments of serious confusion haha)

I really do think there's someone out there who's actually The SoulMate. Someone who's really just a long lost part of me.

On the other hand, even if we don't find our "soul mate", we can still love with all our heart...and find that there are people who love us back.

I can't think of a remotely nice sounding name for this post...... The Good Things About Finals (to put it bluntly)

Finals week is burning through....and really fast too.

                I wish I could be one of those people who complains about studying and finals fever and stuff...but it feels like just any other week to me (with an abnormal amount of just-opened-my-text-book-for-the-first-time paper flips and coffee in the air).

           

                       If you want instant stress relief during finals (not that anyone would even be online during finals week except to post updates like "3 more days!" or "#finalsStress #DidntStudy #feelingNerdy + *fake nerdy picture with a textbook*"), you shouldn't come to me because I am, that person who doesn't stress about these things.....like ever.....

Okay maybe I'm only kidding but Finals is actually a relief after regular school time

Reason #1: The day is incredibly short! No more wasting the entire day at school because you get to spend the rest of the day *studying*. I'm pretty sure most people only use like 20% of that time to study. The rest of it is meant for enjoying the late morning which, in case most teenagers haven't noticed, is something we don't get to do very often thanks to school!

I'm so cool Hipster Owl :)

Reason #2: No more dealing with annoying people. All we have to do is get to class, do whatever they tell you to do for two short hours and get to leave. Aand there's a bonus! The two *short* hours involved 0 to minimal interaction with the otherwise annoying fellow students (who really are a pain, with all their little dramas and would-be cool attitudes-- "Duuuuuude, I listened to that before it became mainstream....... *talking to him/herself in a loud voice for people to hear" or "OhmiGod! she's such a bitch!! *two minutes later* I'm so hipster yo, I hate high school drama...I'm above that shit.")

Reason #3: Once we're done with a subject, we don't have to think about it until next year. Sounds pretty nice, doesn't it? (even though next year is like 3 weeks away and all the amazing vloggers and viners have already started making "What happened in 2013" posts.... Honestly, I think they're totally rushing things, WE'VE GOT 3 MORE WEEKS! THINGS COULD HAPPEN! Don't start talking about 2013 like it's dead....yet. 

           Things like this really stress me out- like the fact that a whole year has gone by and i still sometimes write 2012 on my papers, or the fact that I have completed a total of 0 of my new years resolutions and I'm probably going to have to start thinking up new ones for 2014 now..... I'm seriously thinking of not making any resolutions this year. What's the point? These New year things serve as a reminder to our- I say "our" because I know that 70% of the population didn't fulfill their's either (I should be making a survey about that! okay one High School Survey On New Years Resolutions coming right up!)- laziness and also show my (our?) naive nature from a year before. Okay now it's me doing it. Let's stop. No more talk of the new year, let's enjoy what we have left of 2013, we haven't even had Christmas yet...Who's talking about Christmas? Christmas is good...Shiny lights and candy... and Baby Jesus (I meant Baby Jesus first of course :p))

Okay I just got really really back-tracked and I don't really feel like deleting everything that I wrote, I don't even feel up to moving it to a separate post for itself. So I guess this will just have to be the "What's good about Finals (+ teensy tiny rant about new year)" post. 

Well that final rant really took the steam out of me haha, I really can't go any longer about the good things about finals....All I was trying to say that it's ONE WEEK. and it's the one week before winter break! We've even got a nice prize in the end! 

                       Finals is a race which is slow and breezy, no need to get worried, just keep your eye on the prize. Winter Break! It'll be over real quick.

In the mean time, don't forget- we still have three weeks! Maybe one of your resolutions can be done in 3 weeks! (trust me, keeping a resolution is one of the best feelings in the world- it's like the feeling you get when you're lying in bed, half asleep and listening to someone else get ready for work :)

Happy Finals everyone! And happy holidays (as in Christmas)!

Me vs.The Universe

“I don't want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings.” 

― Matthew Quick, The Silver Linings Playbook

This is probably the most famous quote from the book but I just had to put it in. It's not even my favorite quote, but it was begging. 

                         Because nobody wants to stay in a bad place. But we all do. the world is a bad place: nobody really believes in silver linings, nobody really believes in love and no one, absolutely Nobody believes in a happy ending.

                            It's almost a joke: life isn't a movie they say(The mysterious "they" strike(s) again), nobody has a happy ending. Nothing ever goes the way it's supposed to go. Life isn't perfect, it's an accepted fact. 

             There are people who can get you down; and sometimes, things just happen. You never get what you want and when you do, it's all just an illusion because nothing is really an ending- every little ending is just a new beginning with it's cruel little plot twists. 

                                 Is the universe really designed to make people sad? 

Is it designed to stop happy endings? If it isn't, then why don't they exist, happy endings I mean. Why does no one have one. Why is no one really happy? 

                      I'm making a lot of assumptions right now but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Nobody is happy. Nobody has happy endings and It's a waste of time really, looking for a silver lining, because - in case it hasn't been noticed already- clouds don't have silver linings.  

                            Random optimism ("Every cloud has a silver lining!" or "When one door shuts close, another always opens up :)" etc.) is great, but to really really be happy, one has to numb out negativity. Just ignore it. Because life's going to get you down, but you've got to ignore it and keep working. Everyone's gonna try and stop you but you can't be stopped. 

      I think the universe is working against us. It's making us feel like there's no such thing as love or happy endings or silver linings. It's destroying them for us. We have to ignore it.

               It's just that person in the corner with a bad attitude who's in need of some coffee. So what if the universe is a bad place, so what if the world is a place with apparently no silver linings and no love? 

            Even if the universe is working against us, it can never destroy us. It can give us a pretty rough time, it can take away our happy endings but in the end, it can't ruin us completely.

             Maybe we can't control the world around us but there's we can control ourselves. So it's our job to twist and dodge every shot the (evil) universe throws at us, sometimes it may give us a curveball, and we may feel hopeless. (It does seem hopeless doesn't it? when you've got the great big cosmos against you?) 

          But we have to get back up, We have to fight for our happy endings, fight to get them back. It may seem like no one's happy but after this war, we're all going to get them back, every last fair-tale. Because we're not going to lose to the universe which seems to be constantly working to bring us down.

                             It seems like a mess. But I'm waging a war with the cosmos.