Me/her/my-other-dimension-self? Anya 2.0

 Philosophical me says:
Have you ever wanted to be that girl?  You know..the one who is perfect and everything you aren't?
(im sorry if you are a guy, i don't know....do guys feel that way?...i think thats blogger suicide to say that, because nowadays it sounds like you have to be a guru in your own subject to blog about it..but i admit, i have no idea about howanyone else feels about what im talking about, i just wanted to know f anyone could relate....im going off topic again so)
That (again) girl for me is confident and fun and she laughs all the time + when she smiles, the whole world stops and stares for a while(okay i think thats the girl Bruno Mars sings about, not me/her/my-other-dimension-self)i dont know how long I have wanted to be her, but she is the best me i can imagine myself to be.

I dont know whether anyone else actually feels that way but im gonna make her-the other me, that alternate universe me, im gonna make her real. But i dont know whether im gonna be faking it or actually ive been faking it all this time and im actually gonna become the real me(okay hat doesnt make any sense) All i want to know is whether the perfect me (lets call her Anya 2.0) is the me im supposed to be, can i be that funny and confident girl who can talk to anybody whenever she wants
or am i destined to be that quiet girl who has a lot to say but cant really work up the courage to say it to anyone? Is Anya 2.0 hiding behind that mask or is it just my imagination?

to be or not to be

I dont know why im feeling the loss of all this confidence, i feel like a smaller me right now and im ready for Anya 2.0 to come and take the stage and blow them all away.. Not even a feel-good chick flick could save me, someone has to come and take me away..today :/

Am I gonna be that girl behind a mask all my life or am i ready for a transformation?

Teenage me says:
I feel cheesy and weird... is this a mood or is this a wacko brain thing that happens when you hit your head? i dont know...but even if it doesnt pass im gonna have to deal with it.
i sound like my old drama teacher lol

Pool people

So i was at the pool today (no it isnt a community pool but i live in an apartment so i tend to have to share it with other people) and i managed to get a lot of my "people-observing" done...some people may call it stalking but i am NOT doing any harm just looking...ok i admit it might be on the verge of staring but im only doing it because i find it all too interesting.

My cover: i was "tanning" and doing some "sketching" (hence the ugly rose which is in fact a    scanned version of my drawing...whenever someone gave me an extra careful look i ducked down immediately, pretending to have gotten a sudden inspiration)

I dont think what i was doing was wrong in any way but i figured people might find it weird of they caught a swimsuit clad girl with a clipboard and lopsided(though i didnt know they were lopsided until i got back home) sunglasses looking at them with interest (NOT staring).

I was there for the whole day (ive got white rings around my eyes where my sunglasses used to be) so i got to see a large number of different types of people:

• The Groups: Spring break is here and it looks like there a lot of people visiting...These people were the least suspicious, I could have taken off my shades and stared right at them and they wouldn't have minded. The group I saw today consisted of two busty (and when i say busty, I mean nobody-would-notice-their-face busty)girls and a two super cocky and super hot guys all under the supervision of their mama who was totally strutting her stuff in that barely fitting swimsuit(im sry about that, i just gotta vent on them in some way...those boys kept checking me out and those girls were such bitches!!)

• The Tanners: They look like they already have a perfect year-round tan going on there but hey! everyone wants more :) Equipped with skimpy swimming costumes, large dinky jewellery, chunky sunglasses, jimmy choos (i know...the poor things)and the all-important smartphone, all they do is look bored and text, i worry that theyre wasting a lot of time because i dont think the sun cn get through all that primer and foundation to tan their skins.

• The Surfers: I know what your thinking...surfers at the pool? But theres no other way to describe em, complete with their perfect bodies, bathing trunks, unnecessarily Australian accents ("dude its awesome in here blah..blah..dude! duuuuuuuuuude...") and AMAZING swimming skills...(btw they were the only ones who actually managed to SWIM in the pool today) These dudes even managed to get the otherwise uninterested tanners to look up from US! Weekly and The Vogue or from their constant tweeting (#BoredAndAtThePool or #tanning)

Thats all i managed to get today (with a price of being checked out by people totally not my age and having to have been forced into an intense staring competition with some hot random guy with a face that only said one thing- "Im here for everyone to see my abs and see my abs they will do"(it secretly also seemed to be saying "or else..." that was scary)

But i would really have to take this opportunity to thank my sunglasses i think i wore them out today, but they are the ultimate weapon when u want to look at someone and dont wanna be caught looking,
(might i point out that aviators, while they never go out of fashion are totally give you away in case u ever wanna do what i did today so thats why i think chunky girl shades are the best! go prada!!)

Lifes what you make it so lets make it rock! yes i did just quote hannah montana

i read that and went, "Omigod!!thats soo perfect!!!"...i admit that this isn't equal to an actual good old-fashioned-legs-on-the-wall-in-my-pjs loooong chat with my friend on the phone but then, I dont think i should be complaining should I?

So heres the story....for a while my inbox has been spammed by my friends who're feeling totally guilty about ignoring me because they have to study so much nowadays (yeah thts a weird word...isnt it?)


But everyone of these make you feel soo much better, like the best way outta what i call the "blues" (i cant believe they named a genre of music aftr my version of depression!)

Thats my bestfriend,
she even sent me a video of us singing hannah montana
(imagine 2 pre-pubic girls, in shimmery disco clothes which id stolen from my grand-dads closet...we arent very good singers either..i tried out for the school choir 3 years in a row nd apparently my singing voice didnt have enough melody..isnt that brutal?

That ones my ex hes just trying to make me feal like a dramatic movie star


sometimes this makes me feel really special :)

We all have those days..

The world feels like a big deep deep ocean to me today, i want to be able to belong here but thats not whats happening, im only becoming more and more distant everyday. I feel lost and crazy, today is my day for tears. I guess its just one of those days right? I keep telling myself that things will get better but will they? But there are tons of lonely people and they carry it off so elegantly, so beautifully...i give off this needy vibe, i know i do.

If i am going to be that lonely girl, then i want to be that one who sits at the coffe place, sipping here drink and staring out of her window with this movie-star look in her eyes...
I dont want to be that girl who is hiding in the library because she doesn't want to be seen by anyone

Will thing be okay for me? i really dont know..the worst thing s that i dont have anyone to comfort me, i dont have anyone who would tell me that i am not alone, with my best friends all slaving away, studying, i don't know what to do.

Sitting at home, reading inspirational quotes which my friends send me because they are far too busy studying to say to my face, it really puts the cherry on top of my very miserable day...
But hey, it happens to everyone right?

am i the new shy invisibly girl? ahh!

I think I've been milking the new kid excuse for wayyy to long, but im gonna use it till the end of the school year.
There are loads of different kinds of people, which is inherent in EVERY high school but because of the many different races here only make it more obvious..

Im trying to determine what sort of a person im going to be, the introvert who hides out in the library at lunch or the extrovert girl like all new girls in all the movies i once believed in like "Mean Girls" and "Mean Girls 2" and "Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen".
Because being me, is clearly not an option, "me" only exists when I've got friends.

But all I've managed to do is not make an impression on anybody at all, Im that invisible girl on the corridor who you bump into, wonder if you've ever seen her before and then walk away, forgetting her already.. I dont know why i turned into someone else all together when i got here but ebing invisible hs got its ups...

HA..."The Ups Of Being Invisible" sound familiar doesnt it? (The perks of being a wallflower)
I dont know what the ups are yet..but this is a place id like to live in for a few more months, thats it
Ill keep you posted

Life Of A Facebook Stalker

ok i admit it, im a facbook stalker..atleast i am one now!
i usually skim through facebook like its the last thing i care about because it is!
but now that im a lonely loser, facebook has become my only means of communication to the real world and i have been taking full advantage of it...
looking at all my besties at the seniors' grad parties ive been going crazy!!
i mean i wasnt the sorta girl who was big on parties, i only went when i was forced too
anyway...im getting off topic
so i was staring at all the fun pictures and just drawing strange pleasure out of it, so now i know how a stalker feels :p when i realised, that i didnt have any friends from my new school...
so i looked them up and....it was horrible!!
i clicked send request by mistake and i freaked out (i had nooo idea we could cancel requests)
i was nearly in tears because the person i sent the request to was this guy who i thought was cute
(i think i had made it obvious at that point and i really didnt want to look like a stalker but then again...it was obvious)
Being a stalker is supposed to be fun, thats what i was thinking but all it did for me was absolutely break me down!! For 2 precious minutes i had enjoyed it (that was when i was looked up this girl in my class who had put up loads of kindergarten pictures of my classmates)
I did the only thing i could think of doing at that point, i called my friend
(it was like 2 am in the morning, so she was pretty grumpy, but she had just gone to sleep like an hour ago..im lucky she wasnt asleep)
It was from her that i found out that we can cancel friend requests...it was the best news of my life!!
Im soo glad but then, the request had been out there for at least half an hour, what of he had seen it?
Now i feel real paranoid, im going to be freaked out whenever he talks to me tomorrow and if he doesnt talk to me, im going to assume that he saw the request..
 My life is ruins...*sigh* the life of a 15 year old is soo easy to ruin

I still believe

I always thought that living in America would be the answer to all my problems...
For example,

•  My best friend stands in front of the mirror in gorgeous full length green gown, staring at my reflection (which was sitting behind her in worn out jeans) sighs and says to me, "I wish I had some place to wear this, I mean we're wasted here girl" and I reply. "If only we lived in America" we  exchange gloomy looks and then burst out laughing at the sight of our faces. 

• The bell rings and I watch as everyone rushes out, then look back at my books and decide that I just need to study a bit more..."Still here?", I jump as here my boyfriends voice coming in from the doorway."I've got to know all of this if I'm going to the best college in the world no?" but even as I say this, I shut my books and stand up. That boy was the only one who could drag me away from all those studies, "You're coming too aren't you?", my voice still quivered even though this was at least the thousandth time I had asked him the very same question (i didn't even rephrase it, it sorta became an inside joke with us) and he replied with that heart-melting smile of his...though i never know whether that was a yes or a no. (it went without saying that i was talking about America---just making it clear :D)

• My friends barely register the wolf-whistles from the old fishermen as we stripped down to take a dive in the sea, but I'm so self-conscious that i cant get over myself. I decide to just sit and watch, but my friends, they don't take no for an answer and drag me in..though i must say for my credit that i went down fighting. I fiercely think that if we were in America, this sort of thing would never ever happen before i respond to the splashing and go into total air-head mode (i changed easy from introvert nerd to that girl who hung out with the airheads).

So when i found out that i did indeed get to move here, I was super excited!  Excited to the point that it offended everyone around me, I zoned out completely spending my last few days daydreaming about how amazing it would be.....but i was lucky

On my last day I woke and remembered Josh...is face totally brought me back to Earth...That boy, he was the only one for whom I'd drop every thought of America but ironically, now i was leaving him for America itself.

My last day, I managed to persuade everyone to stay off school and do all the things which we would do if it was any other day.. I had soo much fun and made them promise OVER and OVER again that they would come one day, that they would come and we would live in New York together...all of us

I really believed it